I’m not worthy…yet

I’m new to this whole ‘examining myself and discovering who I am’ gig. In a lot of ways, I like the effort and most of what’s resulted so far. Kind of liberating, to a degree.

But there are also a lot of…feelings…which I generally try to avoid.

The most difficult one to wrap my head around at the moment is also the hardest to articulate. It’s equal parts “I don’t deserve” and “got no right”. It’s this half-formed conviction that I’m not good enough to claim the identity I feel increasingly sure defines me.

Part of it is that I feel like I should already have this all figured out. That I’m too old to be Searching4Self. That I should be AlreadyKnowMyself. That at 40-something, I don’t have the right to be uncertain of something so fundamental.

Another part of it is that I feel like I may have squandered opportunities in my youth to engage in this discovery. Maybe my laser-focus on school, college, law school and now career, which has utterly consumed my entire being, entire waking life until just now, wasn’t the best thing for me after all. If I had just sown the proverbial wild oats, maybe I’d be comfortably ensconced in my chosen identity. Maybe I wouldn’t be feeling like such a freak.

As it is, I’m headed into a reasonably financially secure future with a great job that keeps getting better, a good relationship with my siblings, and a few good friends whom I cherish. That’s a wealth of blessings to be thankful for. And yet, there’s still this giant black hole of questioning right through the middle of my life that I’m compelled to address. It makes me feel like an ingrate.

So, I’m on this journey, searching for myself. It’s mental and spiritual, rather than physical, movement. But no less strenuous for that.

I hope that it ends (if it ever does) with my knowing myself and feeling finally entitled to claim that label that clings to the tip of my tongue but which I can’t yet bring myself to utter out loud.


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