You say it’s your birthday…

Yep, I’m owning my 44 and lovin’ it! After all, getting older beats the heck out of the alternative.

I took today off from work, as is my custom. I slept a tiny bit later than normal and have spent a lazy morning getting ready for the day, in between reading blogs and messin’ around on Twitter. My plans for the weekend are mild and low-key, rather like myself. I’m not a big partier and will likely spend most of my time alone, barring a dinner date with my brother and his wife. But I did give myself a birthday gift last night.

For my 44th birthday I fully came out to myself. I referred to myself in online comments and chats variously as gay or butch, consciously & intentionally, for the first time. I know now, with no doubts, that I am both.

So, internally at least, I’ve taken the step up to authenticity. No hiding from myself anymore. That’s huge and awesome and scary and all the things at one time. It’s got me amped and saying things (anonymously on line) that I’ve never said before, doing things I’ve never done, thinking things that both thrill and terrify me.

I don’t know when or if I’ll take the same steps in my external life, come out to anyone I know in person. That’s so much more complicated. I’ve been kicking the thoughts around for a long time. I even asked some bloggers I respect for an opinion. My thoughts haven’t finished filtering, but I’m working on a post that’ll help bring some order to the chaos, if no concrete answers. The outside life is still a big messy question, then.

But the inside is lining up, for once. It feels good.


7 comments so far

  1. MakingSpace on

    Happy Happy Birthday!!!! May you live free and may you be surrounded by love and support. And may the chaos shuffle itself into something lovely for you.

  2. Thank you so much, MS! Those are such beautiful wishes. I’ve gotta start working on making them come true.

  3. Victoria Oldham on

    Happy birthday–hope you have a fab weekend.

  4. earthdrummer on

    A little late: I know. But I just found you!! Happy, Happy day!! Have a marvelous year…a great year to come out!! Being authentic is fabulous!! Trust me: I’m 43!!

  5. Femmi on

    I don’t think I actually official wished you happy birthday. I was terribly remiss. I hope your birthday present made up for my complete lack of manners.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Your wishes are always welcome, regardless if they’re late. And, yes, my present was a great milestone. Thanks!

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