[Author’s note: Another raw mind dump. They may be common for a while.]

Here’s where the ‘searching’ part becomes a labor of Hercules. When committing to see the beauty without regret, I didn’t anticipate that I’d be walking uphill against an avalanche.

Where does the line lay between ‘fake it ’til I make it’ and plain ol’ fraudulent deception? Is there such a thing as too much grace in withdrawal?

I’m revealing the cracks in my facade. I want to truly be the brave, graceful, generous heart that I present to the world, but my selfish nature heaves up and cracks the smooth surface.

I need some spackle, something to fill in the cracks when my bravado fails. Sleep, rest may be the solution, in time. But right now, I need something more durable, like concrete.

But since that’s not available, I’m gonna boot-strap myself up and out the door, slapping a smile on my face and buckling down to the work I neglected yesterday.

Faking it ’til I make it.

Song of the morning: Bleed It Out – Linkin Park


7 comments so far

  1. femoutloud on

    Sometimes, of course, taking care of yourself is necessary to maintain the strength on which others depend. Self-care isn’t necessarily selfish; in fact, it’s an essential ingredient in generosity.

    Just sayin’. Hang in there. 🙂

    • Fabulous Mommy on

      Brilliantly put!

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      FOL: Thanks. True, self care is essential in being able to give. But the little pity party that produces no real results isn’t really self care. It’s just wallowing, which has to be checked hard into the boards. I guess I feel like some of the cracks come from that pouty-pants reaction, rather than the healthy, adult grieving response.

      Thanks for the reminder. It has helped already today.

  2. Fabulous Mommy on

    Being open to opportunities leaves you vulnerable. It is a fact of life. As painful and scary as that is it means you will be receptive to the good stuff when it finally comes your way.

    The turmoil will die down, the cracks will settle.

    I think you are the brave, graceful, generous heart that you present to the world. If someone couldn’t recognise or value that then they didn’t deserve you. It’s not selfish to want to be happy and fulfilled. Don’t let this break you down.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      FabMom: Thanks, that’s so kind of you. No, that judgment was solely mine. I think selfishness for its own sake is ugly, and I tend to judge it harshly in myself. Wanting happiness isn’t selfishness, true. Letting my self-pity override my promise to be graceful and thereby letting that pouting hurt someone else is that ugly selfishness. Hence, the bootstrap approach.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. You all give me much to think about!

  3. A Spare Mind on

    You are strong. Love.

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