Two Words

They’ve been stuck in my head and throat so long I’m afraid I’ll never get them out. There are times I feel them swelling like a sponge in my mouth, threatening to choke me. Suffocating me.

Why is this so hard? One short sentence. Two tiny, one-syllable words. Perhaps the two most important words that exist for me at the moment, and they defeat me.

“I’m gay.”

So much is wrapped up in those two little words. They encapsulate authenticity, relief, peace, future happiness. But they also carry with them the power to loose a storm of destruction that could level my life, crushing me to powder in a moment. They could be keys that open important doors. Or they could form a grenade with no pin.

If I utter those two words out loud, there’s no un-saying them. Even if no one is there to hear, it’s out there in the universe, ringing like a carillon.

But why not say it? I’ve claimed it in my mind. I’ve admitted it to myself. I even blogged about it here. It’s already out there, isn’t it? It’s already real. Right?

No. It will never be real until it has the color, tone and shape of my voice.

Why is this so hard? Why is this so important? Why is it clawing at my brain, robbing my peace of mind?

Would it matter to anyone else in the universe if I never said it out loud? if I did? Why do I need anyone else to hear it? Am I plaguing myself needlessly? I have lived 44 years without ever saying those two words, that tiny sentence. Is it impossible that I could live the rest of my life happy without ever saying them to another living soul?

I’ve been told it will make me feel better, that I will feel free, real, whole, light. But does that add up to a reason to turn my entire life inside out, invite all sorts of pain and anger from those who will be scalded by the revelation?

No other two words have ever formed such an event horizon in my life. Two words are too few to carry such weight, to bear such importance.

But, right now, in this moment, those two words are my whole future. Because, I am self-aware enough to know that I have passed the point at which I could have reined in, avoided this precipice. Sooner or later, they will force themselves out of my throat, through my lips and into the ears of another person, shoving me head-long off the cliff. Those two words are both anchor and parachute. With them I either plummet or soar.

When will that moment come? I fear it will be a moment not of my choosing. That it will come upon me unaware and I will be found unprepared.

The solution is obvious, of course: take my power back and choose my own moment, my own audience.

Should be so simple. Why isn’t it?


18 comments so far

  1. lulu on

    The way things are, are the way things are!! Many of us have jumped honey, expecting to plummet, but find ourselves instead experiencing the exhilaration of free-falling…. You hit the ground running and then nothing can stop you.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thanks for the up, Lulu. Leaps of faith are scary. Just gotta yank on those bootstraps some more, I guess.

      Thanks for reading & commenting.

  2. Meron (@mezdrum) on

    I lived many decades of my life, fighting the inevitable and refusing to acknowledge what I knew deep down, all along. Then, after three beautiful children, I left a marriage that couldn’t last.
    The initial jump was terrifying, but the joy, freedom and sense of self are now extraordinarily wonderful. Life couldn’t be better!

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Hi, Meron. Welcome & thanks for commenting. I’m so happy to hear it has turned out so well for you. That gives me hope! 🙂

  3. MakingSpace on

    Hm. This all sounds like someone who is planning their first “I’m gay” conversation. Starbucks usually has enough background noise to keep nosy folks out of your business. Eeeeeeee.

    It can be hard to feel your life change. But what is usually true, in this day and age, is that folks who truly feel shattered/wrecked/hurt by your sexual orientation are folks who don’t really have your best interests at heart anyway. It’s less common in this day and age to face the sort of legalized discrimination in work or in housing that was once everyday stuff.

    Heck, my own in-laws were happier with me once I came out and was happier with myself. Now they are ex-in-laws, and I sometimes think I talk to them more often than their son (now my ex-husband) does!

    Also, don’t assume people don’t know. You will probably discover about twenty people who were just waiting to THROW support at you as soon as you told them you knew, ’cause they knew already.

    You are not alone. This is true. You are not alone.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      MS: Thank you so much. I’ve so enjoyed hearing your story on your blog am honored you follow me here.

      You’re likely correct that tons of people knew before me. I tend to be slow on the uptake with some stuff and great at ignoring my own inner voice when it says truths too hard to accept. An online friend has asked me a few times now “how do folks not know”, ‘cos I’m kinda hard to miss. That’s a mystery for another time, but it illustrates the point. I’ve just got to take the step that will free them to acknowledge their prescience.

      But I don’t think it’ll happen at Starbucks. 😀

      • MakingSpace on

        Haha – no Starbucks then! Your post took me back to my earliest coming out conversations. I remember feeling totally freaked out. Anyway, in case you’re wondering, you’ll survive coming out. That’s saying a lot in a discriminatory world, but you will.

  4. teriander on

    Hi there – I came across your post while doing a bit of research. You see, my daughter is gay and came out about a year ago and I’d planned to write about that experience. She’s 17. It’s cool – she’s an amazing person and has great and supportive friends and a family that loves her. We all want the best for her and to help her be happy, healthy and satisfied with her life. I didn’t know she was gay when she told me – but it didn’t make me love her any less or make me go away to think about it for a while before supporting her. She’s my baby girl and I’m her mom – no matter what. I’ll bet you have people in your life who feel exactly the same as I do for my daughter. Go for it – and then get out there and busy being who you’re going to be. All the best to you. -Teri

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thank you, Teri. Your daughter is a lucky girl. Thanks for supporting her and, by extension, the community.

      • teriander on

        Frankly, my dear, I’m a lucky mom. 🙂

  5. Fabulous Mommy on

    I’m married to a woman. I have kids. I still don’t think I’ve ever said the words “I’m gay” to my family.

    I told my work colleagues first. Then personal friends, eventually I brought a girlfriend home for shabbos dinner.

    Thinking back, I think the first person I told of my attraction to women was my first boyfriend. He didn’t take it well.

    Everyone has a different experience and comes up against more or less resistance. I hope your coming out ends up being less disruptive than you image it will be.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      FabMom: I hope so, too. To borrow a phrase I heard recently: this is a hobgoblin that I just need to face. Once it’s done the first time, I’ll be fine. Always been a big test anxiety person, but once the first question is behind me, I fly. This is no different. It’s overcoming the inertia and fear that’s the test. Beyond that, I can handle just about anything. Thanks for the encouragement!

  6. Fabulous Mommy on

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    I remember feeling this way myself. Please read this. If you ever a friend comes out to you, know how much it takes and be supportive.

    Well written Searching4Self. Good luck!

  7. Fabulous Mommy on

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    I remember feeling this way myself. Please read this. If you ever a friend comes out to you, know how much it takes and be supportive.

    Well written Searching4Self. Good luck!

  8. A Spare Mind on

    Monsters are always under the bed until we turn on the lights and look at them.

  9. Lillybet on

    You’re right about those two words opening or closing doors. But the way you say the words also impacts your world.
    I’m open and honest about my sexuality in all aspects of my life. I don’t think I’ve said ‘I’m gay’ to the people I work with very often, but they all hear about my wife because I talk about her all the time. It’s hard to miss that I’m gay. But I’m so positive about it and open about it that there are very few people who will say anything negative. The few who have said anything have been hushed by my peers within seconds and I haven’t had to say a word. Maybe I’m lucky that way.
    But the first time I said those two words was to a guy I considered one of my two best friends in the world (his brother was my other best friend). We’d known each other for 13yrs when I said them. I haven’t spoken to him in 10yrs now. The people I worried about were my parents but his rejection threw me for a loop. His brother is still my best friend and we share bewilderment over his outright rejection of me as a friend from the moment those two words left my lips. My parents, after a very short time of trying to figure out how to react, just told me they loved me and we took it from there. All I really remember of that conversation was the rush of breath as I tried to get it out in one word (two was too many), their confused faces as they simultaneously tried to figure out what I had just said and sit down at the table our waitress had directed us to, and the fact that there had been acceptance before the waitress arrived back with our menus. I have no idea what I ate or what we discussed for the rest of the night. I just basked in the fact that my parents knew and they still loved me.
    Ultimately, my experience with those two words has been one of love and friendship. Shortly after saying those words to all of my friends, I was introduced to the woman I illegally married (it’s not legal so I figure that makes it the only illegal thing I’ve ever done…does speeding really count?). After saying those words in an online community, I found places to visit and people to meet that I had something in common with. After saying those words to my family, I felt closer to them.
    The expression of those two words was a wonderful feeling of lightness in my soul. It was a new beginning with amazing possibilities. It was scary but exhilarating.
    I hope that your experience with those two words is full of love and support.
    Good luck 🙂

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Hi and welcome! Thanks for reading, commenting & sharing your story. I’m so happy your experience has been so positive and filled with love. There is hope in what you relate. Thanks for this!

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