Reflecting, Not Looking Back

I’m working on a little pet project ahead of taking an exciting vacation this fall. Part of it requires reviewing past emails and chat records. This retrospective offers a great opportunity to relive memories, detect patterns, even notice details missed before.

But it also opens an opportunity for insecurity to raise doubt. Seeing those details for the first time, recognizing missed nuances, can lead to second guessing.

Really, though, I’m tired of insecurity. It’s exhausting. Constantly questioning myself, my worth, my decisions, my judgment, my ability, my right…everything. It’s just exhausting. And I’m over it.

So, as I re-read past emails, re-live saved text conversations and chronicle my journey, I’m committing to ponder, not regret. I’ll reflect, but I won’t look back. From now on, I’m adding to my campaign of intentional positivity the corollary of living in the moment and finding happiness where I make it.

On that note, I’m celebrating America’s independence and reflecting on all the momentous events of the past week by swallowing my insecurity and self-censorship. I’m going to share a bit of raw emotion I recorded last Wednesday, following the DOMA and Prop8 decisions. It’s not polished, but it’s what I felt in the moment. How fitting that my effort to overcome my inner saboteur, to make an effort at self-acceptance, involves my reaction to the high court deciding that I and those like me deserve equality. And though the work for worldwide equality is far from complete, I’m unapologetically celebrating this small step toward the goal.

Happy Independence Day to everyone, even my non-American friends, because freedom is a universal aspiration.


Today, Love Triumphs
26 June 2013

My heart soars
Joyous and undirected
Floating freely
Light and care-free
As a feather on the breeze

Today, my love
We triumph
Love, which bears all things
Has risen victorious over hate
Though miles we have yet to go
Today love celebrates

For in ashes lays the strictures
A bar to love’s union no more
In ruin lays the wall
That once imprisoned equity
For all in this place, now
Love is love

Today, my love
We triumph
Love spoke truth to power
And the powerful rejected hate
Though miles we have yet to go
Today love celebrates

This is not the end
More work must we complete
Yet it is right that we rejoice
Dance and sing and shout
The first victory of love
One leap toward equality

Today, my love
We triumph
Love has won the day
Hate can abide no more
Though miles we have yet to go
Today love celebrates


8 comments so far

  1. lesbiannefree on

    It is simple! I love it! And I am pleased and enriched to have been able to follow your progress as you’ve written it out over these past months! Have a wonderful vacation. You are an inspiration!

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thanks so much, Anne! Glad you’ve found something worthwhile in my ramblings. And glad to have you along for the ride.

  2. Femmi on

    I had the opportunity to read over past emails recently and was overcome with a wave of love. Focus on the good not the insecurities.

    Missed nuance and details happen in every situation.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      You’re right, hind sight is 20/20. I can accept that. And focusing on the good, the love is exactly my goal. Thanks for being part of it.

  3. Femmi on

    Oh and ps… we were on cloud 9 too with the repeal of DOMA… suddenly we have so many options.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      YES! Amazing that so much comes from such a simple, straight-forward decision. Options are a wonderful thing!

  4. Lillybet on

    Beautiful writings. Though I don’t comment on everything, I am cheering you on in your self discovery 🙂

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thanks, Lillybet! Cheers, in whatever form, are always welcome! I’m so pleased to have you along for the ride and glad you find something here worth cheering for. 🙂

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