No Longer Waiting

“I wait no more.”

I said this to Special Femme some weeks ago in another format and for another purpose. But re-reading that message again today stirred some thoughts along these lines that I’d like to explore.

Let me preface this with a reminder that this blog (and this post) is personal to me and my life. I make no commentary for anyone else or on anyone else’s life or choices.

The crux of the thought is that I’ve mistakenly equated “being patient” and “paying my dues” with “no choice” and “don’t deserve”, with the result that I’ve wasted decades waiting for something to happen to me or be given to me.

Let me try to explain…

On some level, I have felt my whole life that I was waiting for something yet undefined. As a child , I thought I waited to be big, ’til that magic moment of autonomy when the course of my daily life would be mine to choose. As a teen, I thought I waited to leave home, when I’d suddenly know everything and I’d be whatever it is that I would become in my life (as if it was a one-time-only, light switch event).

Time passes, as it does, and I gained a little more understanding of life. Yet, I know I was waiting still.

At college, I thought I waited to graduate and shine in my career. I thought I waited to land the perfect job and then I would have “everything”. And as a young adult, I thought I waited for success, for the mythical day when my work paid off and my “dues” were addressed. Even as a new attorney , I thought I waited for arrival, that magic moment when it all gelled and my seeking, waiting could cease.

But only after each stage and each event occurred did I realize I still waited, still yearned, still dreamed of something not yet in my grasp. I waited to know myself. I waited to choose happiness. I waited to understand love and life and belonging.

That’s what my journey of self discovery, growth and positivity is all about. That’s what this blog is all about. That ah-ha moment of realization that I wasn’t really living at all. I was waiting. It’s impossible now for me to pinpoint a date tied to that realization, but it was recent — within the last three or four years.

The date is unimportant. What is important is that I awoke from a numbness of thought and emotion, from a lethargy of volition. That tag line at the top of my blog is absolute truth. In that moment I awoke to find myself living someone else’s life. More accurately, I found myself existing someone else’s reality.

But I am unwilling to wait any longer.

I have realized that, as it was true in my academic and professional life, it is also true in my personal relationships and maturity: nothing worth having is free and it’s my own hard work that makes things happen.

Over the last several years I have been renovating myself, like a home improvement project. In the process, I’ve come to realize some things about myself and about life, some amazing, some appalling. I’ve written a lot of them down in this blog. Some of it I’ve only shared with a couple of exceptional friends. But, this blog is a splinter of my mind and growth process. It’s a tool I use to work out nagging worries and express feelings I feel precluded from expressing in my in-person relationships.

The work on myself continues and will until I breathe my last. But the epiphany, that waiting for arrival was holding me back from getting anywhere, was the turning point.

Now, with joy, I stride forward with my dreams in my own hands, determined to live, not just exist. I’m determined to be the builder and the architect of my future, the pilot of my own direction.

I wait no more for planning, or out of fear. I refuse to wait anymore for anything. The waiting is over. The living has begun.


3 comments so far

  1. Victoria Oldham on

    It’s such a great moment when you realize you have to lasso your dreams on your own.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thank you! Yep, that feeling if stepping up & taking on the challenge is really what it’s all about.

  2. […] No Longer Waiting ( […]

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