Mish-mash Bullets

– This isn’t the post I planned to publish, nor did I plan to post it today. I had planned to post (and had nearly finished writing) an entirely different thought on Saturday. But then a new iPhone, two separate iOS updates, three back-ups and two synch attempts happened. In the process, my draft post was deleted, all my past notes were replicated in triplicate, and I lost the will to try again. :-/ Luckily, I got over myself and am now working from a completely updated new iPhone and I’m a happy butch.

– One happy side effect of the new mobile device (that I’m hoping not to jinx by saying (writing?) it out loud) is better connectivity and sound/image quality on Skype. Special Femme is excited to get to see me clearly and I’m thrilled to get to see her more often without so many dropped calls. Fingers crossed it continues!

– I had a moment of clarity the other day. I won’t call it an epiphany, because it’s too small for such a lofty term. I just had a glimmer of insight into an aspect of life that my narrow world view pre-Special Femme prevented me from seeing clearly. In brief, the topic is self image and how that intersects with others’ perception of me. I have a running joke, of sorts (more a low-grade battle of wills), going with Lulu. She likes to use effusive words to compliment me (which make me blush) and I like to deflect and turn the compliment on to her, who I feel actually deserves it. But the other day she changed tactics slightly: she was careful to clarify that, to her personal sensibilities, she was absolutely accurate in her description of me. See, that’s just sneaky, using my own lawyering tactics against me! But that also gives me an important insight into my own mind. I see me in a particular way and irrationally believe that everyone else sees me, if not the same way as I see myself, at least all see me in the same way as each other. (I see X, so you all must see X, but if not, you all must see the same Y or the same Z). But that leaves no room for individuality. If there’s infinite individuality in expression, then it follows there is infinite individuality in perception of that expression. So, while Lulu and I may still disagree on the clinical accuracy of her observations of my person, I at least now can make room in my head for the possibility that she’s not entirely crazy (kidding, my lovely!). 😉

– Also, might as well touch on the coming out question. In short: it’s not going anywhere. The pressure to do it builds every day. I’m making plans to bring Special Femme to my home for a visit in a few months, so it’s gotta happen. Soon. But I’m just stuck in a negative loop that I can’t seem to break. Every conversation I envision seems to turn angry and I can’t figure out why. Every actual coming out talk I’ve had with friends and co-workers has been positive and uplifting. So why can’t I believe that’s the way it will go with my brothers? Am I sabotaging myself, or is my subconscious picking up indicators I don’t see overtly? I dunno. But it’s gonna start having an impact on things soon and I need to get out of this rut!! Who has helpful, practical tips?

– But let’s end on an up note: fall color! It’s actually almost over. But I’ve been blessed to see some really pretty color in my town and the surrounding country lately. Here are a few faves:

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2 comments so far

  1. FemOutLoud on

    My late-night, apparently only-awake-because-of-jet-lag brain really wants to come up with a helpful, practical tip or two for you, but instead just offered an image:

    How do you prefer to enter a swimming pool that’s just a little too cool for comfort at first, but you know you want to enter and get used to the temperature and have a blast playing in the water after you do? Are you one to dive in and get it over with, or one to edge in toe-by-toe?

    Whatever your answer (I’m guessing the latter, maybe?), perhaps that’s the way to come out to your brothers. If you can dive in to the too-chilly pool and know you’ll acclimate in a moment or two, then just do it. If you need to creep in a toe at a time so that each capillary can adjust on its own terms, then make some tiny but real and overt contact between subject and sibling, and resolve to keep going until you’re ready to dive under.

    It’s a tumbling-around-at-midnight image, but it comes with a smile and real good wishes from a friend, so maybe it’ll at least make you laugh … 😉

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      That’s awesome! Apparently, I speak tumbling-around-at-midnight-ese, because I get that! Great analogy and real food for thought. I think I must normally be an inch-in-toe-by-toe person. I’m very methodical most days. But I’m thinking this issue & situation may call for drastic, dive-in and have it over measures.

      Thanks, my friend. Your sleeplessness was to my benefit today. Thanks!


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