Thankful for…restoration

So Saturday started off kinda rough. I agreed to go with my brother & sister-in-law to their studio for some family time and creativity. Despite having to miss time with Special Femme to do so, I was looking forward to it. I love them, I like spending time with them and I take real joy in playing with my tools and creating pretty things.

But in the truck on the way there, my brother made us listen to talk radio. I absolutely loathe talk radio. But, as he was the driver, he chose the station. He loves that drivel. I find it coma-inducing at the best of times and when it’s bad, as it was today, infuriating and demoralizing all at once.

It was a political talk show, with a local former politician and lecturer as host. We came into the middle of the segment, but I quickly gathered that they were discussing at least one piece of legislation giving LGBT people access to rights others have by default. The callers were uniformly anti-gay rights and some vey belligerent in their expression.

Opinions ranged widely, but several expressed some form of belief in an “evil agenda” by “LGBTs” to siphon the morals from our society and purge morality from our laws–basically condemning my very existence as a butch lesbian as immoral. At one point, an angry, outspoken man called and proceeded to both speak for “god” in condemning the entire LGBTQI population as evil and amoral, but also label all of us as pedophiles. Horrible bile largely unchallenged by the show’s host.

But, what I found most demoralizing happened after I’d had enough and asked for it to be turned off. My brother did turn it off, but then went on a 10-minute tirade confirming the “dangerous” nature of the legislation, which he characterized as legitimizing various forms of “deviants”. Surprisingly, I was able to keep calm and ask for clarification on his meaning in using that word. Upon exploration, I understood him to mean that he believes the law allows people to declare an identity different from (i.e. a deviation from) their apparent gender assignment and thereby gain access to the amenities available to that other identity (primarily bathroom and locker room facilities labeled for a different gender). But his cavalier use of the incorrect word “deviant” was jarring, pejorative and unnerving, despite his lack of mean-spiritedness.

Then, at various times during the day I heard him touch on the subject with the guys in the shop and heard their less-than-supportive blathering. The lack of respect in their discussion, which arises from their position of privilege, grated on me all day.

Follow that with a dinner out with a group of acquaintances who spent far too much time griping and gossiping about others not present and an uncomfortable noise level in the restaurant, and you have one powerful recipe for a headache. By the end of the evening, I was completely over having to deal with people and just wanted some quiet.

That’s when the day got better. With the peace of a quiet bedroom, comfy PJs and a good Skype connection to Special Femme, I was able to resign the trouble to the aether and let Lulu’s sympathetic voice soothe me to sleep.

I’ve always been a believer in the restorative power of sleep. Not only does the body need the rest to gather strength for a new day, but the mind needs the peace. I process a lot of information in my sleep. Sometimes this manifests in bad dreams, particularly when I’m stressed. But last night, with the peace and soothing comfort of my beloved, I had no nightmares.

I rested and am restored to live another day. Though I’m not happy at the set-back in my confidence and plans to come out to my brother, I’m still happy and at peace on a fundamental level, knowing that I have the love and support of a wonderful woman and the will and intelligence to eventually overcome this hateful ignorance.

I won’t be deterred. I am renewed. And I’m thankful for the restoration of sleep and the perspective it brings with a new day.

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1 comment so far

  1. androguyandcat on

    Deviance rules… don’t let haters get you down!


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