Wrapping Up

Wow! I really can’t wrap my head around the fact that 2013 is nearly over.

It seems like just a few days since I took my first tour of the butch/femme blogs I stumbled on by accident while surfing on New Year’s Day. Just last week, it seems, I was celebrating my birthday by finally coming out to myself. Then about a minute later I was dating women for the first time and contemplating coming out to people I know in my in-person daily life as I took my first steps into a steady butch/femme relationship. A few hours later I’d come out to my entire staff after sharing pics of my vacation visit to my beloved Special Femme. And just yesterday (literally four calendar days ago, on Christmas) Special Femme and I celebrated our 8-month anniversary. Oh myyy, how time flies when you’re discovering yourself!!

Safe to say this has been one whirlwind year for me on the personal growth and development front.

There have been ups and downs and I haven’t accomplished everything I set out to do. I, along with my beloved and some good butch friends, suffered a particularly brutal blow of betrayal along the way. But there have been way more plusses than negatives, more ups than downs and I’ve learned even from the rough parts. This has been an awesome year.

Obviously the biggest and best positive of this year is the phenomenal and miraculous advent of love with my beautiful and amazing Lulu. I never believed I’d ever get to experience something as full and beautiful and perfect as this. I’m acutely aware of my good fortune. The blessing she brings to my life is startling and breathtaking and more joyous than I can fully describe.

Along with the expansion of my physical and emotional horizons that love has wrought, the hard work I’ve been doing this year to discover and improve myself has begun to show results. I’m learning to be accepting of myself, to be content and happy and positive inside myself. Learning is a process, but I believe that the proactive approach, thinking actively and trying to apply the lessons learned in my daily encounters has given me a sense of accomplishment.

And taking the risk to come out at work has been a surprising joy. Every single person has been positive and accepting, which is great. And two friends have emerged as staunch supporters to an amazing degree. Their active interest and concern, lending a supportive ear in in-person discussion has been such a boon! I never realized how necessary it is to have someone who is live in-person to listen and have your back

It has also been a challenging year, with it’s share of angst and tears. The betrayal of a friend, the anxiety of learning to be a girlfriend (and added stress if being 9,000 miles away from her), and the struggle to come out have ratcheted the stress of this year pretty high. Add to that an incredible amount of stress and responsibility in my work, and you have a powerful recipe for volatility. But I’m proud to say that with the help of accepting and validating friends, the unknowing support of my sister-in-law, and the steadfast, uplifting, affirming love and support of my beloved have combined to keep me sane and stable.

I’ve accomplished a lot this year in both my personal and professional life. Learning to be whole in myself so that I can be a part of a loving, functional couple has been the source of much joy. Learning to balance work and play and to stand up for my right to seek happiness have lifted a lifetime of burden from my shoulders. And actively practicing positivity and purposeful thankfulness has brought me peace of unexpected magnitude.

My life is full of blessings: people I love and care for, a challenging and fulfilling job, a good home full of warmth and plenty, and a love that fulfills my greatest desires and puts my wildest dreams to shame with it’s shining wonder.

And I am blessed with still more opportunities for improvement in the coming year. At the top of my list is coming out to my family. I want to give them the chance to show me that their love for me today doesn’t have to change because of who I love. Next is to ask for the title and position I have more than earned at work. And third is to spend more quality time with my beloved. These goals are all worthy and achievable and all within my power. I just have to do them.

But reaching for these blessings doesn’t mean that I am discontented with my life as it is. On the contrary. I’m happy, well loved, whole in my butch identity and challenged in the best way in my profession. I have a warm home, a reliable vehicle, a safe and peaceful place to live and work in freedom. I have a family who love me (even if they don’t yet know all of me). I have a beloved partner who accepts and loves me for who I am and gives me joy in her regard for me. I have everything I need and more than I ever believed I would experience. I am blessed.

And I wish for you a new year full of love, joy, peace, challenge, acceptance, encouragement and validation. Thanks for reading along on my journey this year. Hope to see you more often in the months to come.

Happy New Year!!

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4 comments so far

  1. SopranoOut on

    Happy New Year indeed! This post put a smile on my face. All the best to you in the new year.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Thanks, Amy! Happy New Year to you & your girls. I hope your year is full of light & laughter and fulfillment of your wildest dreams.

  2. Victoria Oldham on

    Happy New Year, and thanks so much for all the great blogs.

    • Searching4Self2013 on

      Happy New Year to you, too, Victoria! I’ve so enjoyed your blog! This time last year I stumbled onto your blog and read about the young butch in the bathroom. Your post triggered something powerful inside me and inspired me to start writing my own blog. I’d been thinking about it for a while, but your post gave me the push. So thank you for your words and your courage in sharing them. 🙂


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