Archive for January, 2014|Monthly archive page

Jangling, Fractious and Sooooo Excited

Recently, I got a writing prompts app to help me when I can’t get started. I thought it would help me be a bit more regular in my posting. Today’s prompt was to describe something near me. I’m surprised at how my mind took off from there…

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A table, small and plain, covered in old photographs and a stack of ignored mail stands between the window and my easy chair. Its cluttered top is a metaphor for my mind at the moment. The old pictures are snapshots of me throughout my childhood, disconnected from context and jumbled. The magazines, catalogues and fliers have the forlorn feeling of something ignored and past it’s relevance. Miscellaneous detritus of electronic gadgets, pens and power supplies lie scattered and waiting, waiting to be useful.

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These disparate bits, unmoored and a little chaotic reflect how I feel about my life just now.

The thing is, I’m in a great, even enviable spot. I’ve got so much…a lot to be thankful for (and I am), a lot to enjoy, a lot to do, a lot of opportunity. There are great and powerful energies streaming into my life, flowing over and around me. And for the first time in my life I’m aware of them and learning how to access them. This ultra new and unfamiliar thought and feeling is scary and challenging and fun all at once. My nerves jangle and chafe and soar by turns. Like the oddments on my tabletop, it’s an interesting mess.

The primary source of the electric feeling is the tremendous fountain of love and support and validation and acceptance gifted so freely to me by my beloved. She’s the first person in my life apart from my parents who loved me without demanding I change myself. She accepted me for who and what I am. She loved me before she ever saw my face or heard my voice, and has supported the very essence of my identity without stinting. She chose to get to know me and the person I believe I can become; chose to love me, before liking me or even knowing me. That kind of open-handed, generous support is incredibly validating, freeing in a way I’ve never experienced before. It grows and intensifies daily. The blessing she brings to my life is beyond my power to describe.

Then there are the amazing things happening for me professionally. I have worked incredibly hard to advance my skill and experience, making a substantive, meaningful contribution to my company’s success. The work and sacrifice is beginning to pay off. Soon, I’ll get to officially announce my new position. For now, it is enough to say that I set a goal to ask for the job and title I have earned. I did and I got it. Again…an amazing feeling of accomplishment and happiness.

I stand on the cusp of major life changes. They are thrilling, exhilarating, and full of joy and promise.

But, at the same time, there’s a very familiar feeling of heavy dread. The one thing missing in my life is complete transparency, the fabled state of authenticity. I’ve written about it often enough: I’m not out to my family. I’m nearing my 45th birthday and I’m still closeted to those who are closest to me in my daily life (except my beloved). It’s irrational, frozen, paralyzed fear. But it is. With my beloved, I’m working to change it and we’re making progress. I even got a bonus gift of encouragement from two separate friends in the last two weeks: two friends who took the time to let me know that my journey has made a difference to them. How wonderful is that!?! But I still have work to do…hence the background dread and unmoored feeling.

The good news is that, just like the cluttered top of my side table, my thoughts can be cleaned up and put into order. I don’t have to be adrift or confused. I have a plan and my partner is committed to helping me realize my dreams. My friends and my love believe in me and hope for my success. There’s nothing in my way but me.

What I guess I need to take away from this is three things: First, that the self-examination is valuable, even healthy. But if I don’t take the information I glean from it and apply it to my life, what use is it? Second, paralysis is curable and within my power. Third, everything I want is within my reach, I just have to grab hold of it.

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Oh, hey, blog…hey!

So, it’s been a while since my last blog post. I’ve been living my life, of course, but not free of thoughts of my blog. I have a pocket full of crushed, creased, tattered notes. They’re stray thoughts, ideas, even rants that occur to me at random throughout my day. But I’ve not taken the time to flesh out the ideas or edit the rants or explore the thoughts. I’ve been concentrating as hard as I can on living in the present, keeping all three parts of my life up in the air, with equal attention and importance.

First and most joyous is my relationship with my beloved. She lives on the other side of the world, three oceans away, yet I see her every day. We work hard to cultivate a close bond and constant sense of connectedness, even when our technology connection lets us down or just isn’t possible. I’m proud of the active, vibrant, caring, warm and loving relationship we’ve developed in the nine months we’ve been together. But, because of fear-based choices I’ve made, this vital part of my life isn’t integrated fully into the next segment of life importance for me.

My family is small and spread out all over. But one of my older brothers and his wife are very close to me, both physically and emotionally. I have relied on our closeness to both support my independence and as a crutch against social awkwardness. Their esteem and validation is very important to me. Yet I have a visceral fear of losing that relationship when I come out to them. I’m not ashamed of who I am or of my beloved. I’m very proud of the healthy, caring, gentle love that Lulu and I share. But it is so different from everything my family have ever taught me to believe in or expect from a romantic relationship for a person like myself. Because of that (and a lifetime of experience that can’t be fairly encapsulated in a few words), I fear their reaction to the revelation. Nevertheless, it will soon happen and I’ll be free of the dread, if nothing else. Still, until that happens, there is a gap, a chasm between these two critical parts of my happiness. I have hope, however, that her visit to me in a few weeks will provide a context for my family’s getting to know and love her as much as I do, and provide a lever to loosen my inertia.

The third part of my life, my professional career, is also a huge influence over my time and mindset. As I’ve mentioned, I love my job. I work for a great company and have a team of fun, hard-working professionals under my direction and an executive supervisor who respects me and my professional abilities. I work hard and do good work. That work has built into a career I’m proud of and a steadily increasing position of responsibility and challenge. I have earned and received a promotion to a leading executive position, for which I’m proud and excited. But the added stress and expectation, on top of learning to be a supportive, loving partner and striving to live genuinely among both my family and my friends and work colleagues is an enormous challenge.

All of that is just a raw, honest assessment of where I am. I wanted to provide a bit of context (not an excuse, as I don’t need one) to help explain why I’ve found blogging in the last couple of weeks to be difficult. However, since blogging is a source of happiness and forms a part of the process I use to work through issues in my heart, I will work on getting back to a more regular blogging schedule.

In the mean time, I hope you are enjoying a happy, healthy, fun start to this new year. And I wish you joy as we find our collective way forward in this year that I fully expect to be full of wonder and love and challenge and opportunity. Peace.

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