Oh, hey, blog…hey!

So, it’s been a while since my last blog post. I’ve been living my life, of course, but not free of thoughts of my blog. I have a pocket full of crushed, creased, tattered notes. They’re stray thoughts, ideas, even rants that occur to me at random throughout my day. But I’ve not taken the time to flesh out the ideas or edit the rants or explore the thoughts. I’ve been concentrating as hard as I can on living in the present, keeping all three parts of my life up in the air, with equal attention and importance.

First and most joyous is my relationship with my beloved. She lives on the other side of the world, three oceans away, yet I see her every day. We work hard to cultivate a close bond and constant sense of connectedness, even when our technology connection lets us down or just isn’t possible. I’m proud of the active, vibrant, caring, warm and loving relationship we’ve developed in the nine months we’ve been together. But, because of fear-based choices I’ve made, this vital part of my life isn’t integrated fully into the next segment of life importance for me.

My family is small and spread out all over. But one of my older brothers and his wife are very close to me, both physically and emotionally. I have relied on our closeness to both support my independence and as a crutch against social awkwardness. Their esteem and validation is very important to me. Yet I have a visceral fear of losing that relationship when I come out to them. I’m not ashamed of who I am or of my beloved. I’m very proud of the healthy, caring, gentle love that Lulu and I share. But it is so different from everything my family have ever taught me to believe in or expect from a romantic relationship for a person like myself. Because of that (and a lifetime of experience that can’t be fairly encapsulated in a few words), I fear their reaction to the revelation. Nevertheless, it will soon happen and I’ll be free of the dread, if nothing else. Still, until that happens, there is a gap, a chasm between these two critical parts of my happiness. I have hope, however, that her visit to me in a few weeks will provide a context for my family’s getting to know and love her as much as I do, and provide a lever to loosen my inertia.

The third part of my life, my professional career, is also a huge influence over my time and mindset. As I’ve mentioned, I love my job. I work for a great company and have a team of fun, hard-working professionals under my direction and an executive supervisor who respects me and my professional abilities. I work hard and do good work. That work has built into a career I’m proud of and a steadily increasing position of responsibility and challenge. I have earned and received a promotion to a leading executive position, for which I’m proud and excited. But the added stress and expectation, on top of learning to be a supportive, loving partner and striving to live genuinely among both my family and my friends and work colleagues is an enormous challenge.

All of that is just a raw, honest assessment of where I am. I wanted to provide a bit of context (not an excuse, as I don’t need one) to help explain why I’ve found blogging in the last couple of weeks to be difficult. However, since blogging is a source of happiness and forms a part of the process I use to work through issues in my heart, I will work on getting back to a more regular blogging schedule.

In the mean time, I hope you are enjoying a happy, healthy, fun start to this new year. And I wish you joy as we find our collective way forward in this year that I fully expect to be full of wonder and love and challenge and opportunity. Peace.

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