Naive, much?

I think my naiveté might be showing. If you’ve read much of this blog, you’ve probably tumbled to the fact I’m not terribly experienced or worldly-wise when it comes to relationships. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have found in my Special Femme a loving, caring, patient woman willing to let me grow into this role, this new identity, of Butch to her Femme, partner and mate. And I think that space and acceptance has made this first year even more extraordinary and beautiful.

At the same time however, our early success and rapport may have given me a skewed view on the nature of partnership and relationship mechanics. As we continue down the path of life together, new and alien experiences that only occur or have meaning in a relationship continually arise to prove to me my utter lack of knowledge and skill in the art of being a partner and life mate.

Let’s stop here and be very clear on this: Lulu and I have an incredible bond, a wonderful, positive, nurturing, healthy relationship. This post isn’t about a problem between us, as those are rare and quickly resolved privately and amicably when they do arise. This is all about my being a noob (even after a year together) and learning, haltingly and painstakingly, to deal with issues and events that I have never before encountered because of my previously sheltered existence.

What I find most frustrating is that none of it is terribly earth-shattering or new. You’d think that a reasonably intelligent person would be able to spot things on the horizon of this new phase of life and prepare for them. Things that should be simple and basic, such as remembering that I’m not alone anymore, that there’s someone else to consider and consult when making decisions, still are not automatic.

I expected it to be, but its not yet second nature for me to think as a collective being. As much as I love and depend on Lulu, her regard, her insight, her support and acceptance, I still haven’t learned to think of us, instead of me, in practical everyday things. Even things that start as “me” (like what I wear or who I hang out with) might also have an impact in or be influenced by “us”, but that’s still an effort to include in my thought process, when it should be automatic by now.

Part of it has to do with the 9,000 miles between us most of the time. When something is remote, primarily existing in virtual reality, its easy to not think about it in the context of an in-real-life, physical event or activity. But I think it’s more than that. I think that because I have never had a lasting, true partnership before, I have never truly appreciated the art and nuance of two people functioning as one whole.

Thus, I continue to frustrate myself by my continued ‘loner’ thinking. I’ve been blessed with an incredible gift of companionship and support from a lovely, patient, giving person and yet I can’t seem to internalize the scope of that gift. There are still moments when I catch myself remembering (as in smack-your-forehead-and-shout-“oh, yeah!” remembering) to think of talking to Lulu before making a decision that affects us both. Why should the need to do that still surprise me? And, worse, how can I forget that I have her to consider?

What’s wrong with my brain that I still haven’t mastered this?

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3 comments so far

  1. lesbiannefree on

    Hi dear Sudden Awareness – perhaps you pen-named yourself appropriately from knowing yourself – perhaps you are one who goes along then has sudden awarenesses – smiling – it is a blessing to have them. Your piece made me smile with recognition and hope, and pleasure for both you and Lulu. There is not a thing wrong with you from this angle – it all seems to fit together perfectly well given what I know of your history and current life. Enjoy this growing, blessed time! Love yourself instead of smacking yourself up side the head – you are growing and becoming! 🙂 xo

  2. MainelyButch on

    My fellow Butch…I have been at it a while, I’m 52 and came out Butch many moons ago, I STILL do this kind of shit. It’s something that I do try to avoid, because of the controversy it brings with it, but it still does happen.


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