Rubicon Passed

That’s it. I’ve passed the rubicon and am forever changed.

Actually, that happened ages ago, but I am only now beginning to understand the many, varied, deep and wide results such an event can have in my personal life experience. They are wonderful, awe-inspiring consequences. And (just sometimes) they are a little bit terrifying, in the same way a great height or deep water can be terrifying and exhilarating at once.

What was this monumental turning point?

To paraphrase lyricist Alan Jay Lerner, I have “grown accustomed to her face…she’s second nature to me now”.

In short, I’ve adjusted to not being alone and have grown to love being loved. I don’t think I could ever again be content to have no love in my life. I’m forever changed by the love of a wonderful woman and so amazingly blessed to be so.

This is not to say I am unable to be alone or solitary for a time and for specific reasons. Indeed, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t occasionally need some alone time. We have to be able to be still with ourselves and enjoy the solitude of our own minds, now and then. It’s how we retain our individuality.

But as a life, as a persistent condition, I could never again choose to be the kind of alone that coincides with lonely.

Instead, by giving myself fully to a relationship, enjoying and participating in all the benefits that entails, I have been transformed. I have become something I never believed I would have the opportunity to become: one half of a whole, a partner and life companion, one of two who are one.

I’m not sure, exactly, what brought these thoughts to the top of my mind today. She’s the most frequent thought in my mind every day. But today, a day of no particular significance, I feel her physical and temporal distance from me more than ever. I have this sensation that an integral part of myself is displaced. And more than anything, I miss my Lulu.


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