Archive for the ‘blessings’ Tag

#nocontextforyou

New year, new approach to posting to this blog. I hinted in posts a few weeks ago that perhaps the purpose this blog serves in my life is evolving and that I might not need or want to be so regimented in what, how and when I add posts here. Since then, I have all but convinced myself that assessment is accurate and a change is in order.

What that change entails, its scope, and how it manifests may evolve over time. But the immediate change, likely only I will notice, is that I’m letting go of the revered weekly posting goal. I think it served its purpose and I’m happy that I was able to maintain that streak for basically the whole of last year. But the psychic pressure that has put on me is beginning to outweigh the benefits that I saw from maintaining that discipline. So, if it happens weekly, all to the good. But I’m shifting my focus to being more deliberate about posting things that have meaning for me, even if that meaning isn’t obvious to anyone else.

Apropos of that, I’m making my first 2020 post a no-context list of thoughts that are loosely related to each other and very closely tied to what’s been most on my mind the last few weeks.

In no particular order of which I’m aware:

⁃ “But in that stubborn, nearly irrational way that liars often refuse to lie to themselves, my brain, so full of lying anxiety readily dispensed in cruelty, refuses to tell me comforting lies about how safety can be achieved. Instead, still out of cruelty, it bludgeons me with the harsh truth that safety is unreachable, has dropped beyond the horizon and the only remaining path is forward through the perils.”

⁃ Sometimes perilous things are exceedingly pleasant and enjoyable.

⁃ A broad, richly detailed and imaginative vocabulary is an exceedingly beautiful thing.

⁃ Those things…or that person…that randomly pops into your mind, that instantly refocuses your attention whenever encountered, that so fully possesses your imagination and consumes your consciousness that you lose track of time? That’s your passion. Pursue it, even if you might fail. Even if failure is certain. It’s the pursuit that matters.

⁃ Rancid brain-weasels don’t deserve your attention. “Stomp them” mercilessly, as I have recently been wisely advised. Preferably while wearing some devastatingly stylish “stompy boots”! Codicil: stomping brain weasels for a friend is a kindness and a mercy.

⁃ There are few things in this life more satisfying than letters from a smart, witty, incisive, and honest correspondent.

⁃ Making room for mystery and magic in your life is never wasted effort.

⁃ Sharing your view of a colorful sky and sitting quiet and still together is among the best kinds of comfort you can find in another’s companionship, even from afar.

Last one…

It’s the last day of the year. Last chance to post a blog in the twenty-teens. Here it is, for what it’s worth.

I’m at my office engaged in my least favorite activity – waiting for contracts to come in and counting down to the last one that can be reasonably expected to close. Always a mystery until it happens.

So, while I wait, I do little things here and there that are not terribly vexing when interrupted for things like absurd emergency approvals and grumbling visits from my irascible boss. One of those things is personal writing – just random jottings of thoughts and recountings of daily occurrences that are mostly mundane but have meaning for me in some way.

One of the several running entries in this log I keep now hosts a bit of writing of which I am particularly proud. It has the makings of a good story, of sorts. I imagine it as one of those gritty, atmospheric type tellings, a glimpse into the narrator’s world, full of their emotion and internal dialogue. We’ll see how it works out. It might never see the light of day, but it might become something. Who’s to say?

Also in between last-day crises, I have been chatting with friends via text. I like that medium of communication. It makes up for a lot of the faults I suffer from in face-to-face conversation, like nervousness, brain freeze and stammering. But what it doesn’t do well is convey expression of tone. I’m constantly worried that my comms will be misinterpreted as curt or snarky or disrespectful because of my word choices or sentence structure. But by and large, it’s nice to have free, instantaneous communication with fun conversationalists right in the palm of my hand.

Friends, my hope for you and for me is that the new year is gentle on your heart, mind and body, that it’s myriad opportunities also come with the courage for you to seize them, and that your peace is full, abundant, packed down and overflowing.

Happy New Year, all!

Achievement Unlocked

I have spent a full week in my new house. Spoiler alert: It’s awesome!

Here are a few good things that have happened this week that make me happy and feel accomplished:

⁃ I have mentioned my new dressing room a couple of times. It’s so nice having a separate room for all my clothes and to get ready in. Separating the sleep and relaxation space from the storage and dressing space has made my private space feel enormous and very grown-up. This week I have refined the initial layout, arranging folded and hanging clothes and boots in an efficient pattern that makes dressing enjoyable. Today I assembled a laundry cart with three hanging hampers – so cool! I’ve added hanging organizers for my bow ties, too! Geeking out over this space has consumed a lot of time and has been so fun!

⁃ It’s been really nice parking in my garage at this house. It’s a little detail, but not having to scrape frost or get rained on going to or from the truck has made my morning and evening so much less stressful.

⁃ Although we’re still looking for the correct bolts for hanging the living room tv in the bracket that came with the house, I am feeling smug about setting up the cable today. The supposed installation early this week was actually just a surly technician coming in to drop off new cable boxes and be rude to my sister in law. So I took it upon myself to figure it out. It wasn’t really hard, just a little tricky to reprogram the remote to operate the tv and the cable box. Still, I did it and feel accomplished. 😎

⁃ I also completed my first load of laundry in this new house’s main-floor laundry. The new appliances are user friendly and don’t make a lot of noise. And I LOVE not having to haul heavy clothes baskets up and down stairs!

⁃ And even if it is just the newness factor, I am particularly proud of myself for making my bed every single day so far in this house. I really like how nice the room looks with it made up. And since there’s only a reading chair and side table in addition to the bed in that room, it somehow seems necessary to keep it neat.

⁃ Finally, while I was enjoying football on my newly set-up tv, I finished wrapping Christmas gifts today. It was fun taking care of that chore while enjoying the clean, open, comfortable new living room.

My friends, I hope the coming week, and the holiday it brings, finds you warm and fed and healthy and blessed with many good things to make you feel happy and accomplished.

It’s All Good!

Been an especially busy week since I last posted, filled with really good things!

  • New furniture was delivered to my new house. It’s beautiful and comfortable and looks amazing in the new rooms!
  • My custom closet system was installed in my new dressing room. I don’t have words to adequately describe how great this feels! I have wanted a dedicated dressing room since I was a teen. Now having the dream become reality is way better than I hoped! Of course, the first thing I moved into it was my entire compliment of bow ties.
  • The beds and main pieces of furniture from the old house was delivered yesterday. The guys who did it were awesome and took great care with our things. In under four hours we had it all moved in and the bed frames rebuilt. I was surprised at how comforting it felt to see the familiar furnishings among the new. It was grounding, somehow.
  • Last night was the first night sleeping in the new house. I was too wound up and didn’t get to sleep until later than I wanted. Also, as expected, the noises the new house makes are way different from the ones I’m used to in the old place. But it sure was nice to have all that space in which to acclimate!
  • Finally, after having used my new bedroom, bathroom, and dressing room for the first time, I have to admit that I’m surprised at how much the new configuration of space affects my morning routine. Timing and rhythm of my ablutions, the newness of where things are placed, the new, larger scale of my personal space, all really impacted how I got ready this morning. But it’s all for the good. Having the luxury of so much room to myself is a blessing that makes learning a new routine fun and exciting.
  • Bonus: I think I’m going to like being able to park inside the garage!

Good morning, my friends! I hope your day is full of discovery and delight.

Salvaging the Streak

Didn’t want to bust again so soon, so here’s a quick listy post of great things in my life over the last few days:

  1. Going to visit friends is life-giving, especially when they welcome you into their home, introduce you to their friends, and treat you like you matter.
  2. Celebrating your friend’s birthday with your presence and presents and a chocolate piñata makes for a wonderful time had by all.
  3. Rest, not just sleep, is good for the spirit.
  4. Courteous and respectful security screening staff at both ends of my trip made this adventure 1000x better than the awesome it already was. Not getting groped and humiliated and triggered just to get on a plane should be the norm, not an exception to celebrate. But I do absolutely celebrate it.
  5. Good food, good movies, good games, and tons of laughs made this trip an energy-restoring, spirit-feeding, wonderful experience.
  6. And now…to get ready for the move!
  • My friends, I hope your week is full of blessings big and small.

    Busted…but Great

    So I busted my posting streak. Unintentionally, but definitely busted. It’s been 2 weeks since my last post. Bummer.

    But there are good reasons. Beyond just apathy or laziness.

    First, I bought a house! So great and exciting. The house is beautiful, move-in ready, and a big upgrade from my current house. I got it at an amazing price and under great financing terms. That took a good bit of my time and energy, but it’s all very good.

    Second, and closely related to the first, is that I bought new furniture and a custom closet system. Since I am not an avid shopper and not well practiced at it, those trips occupied more time and creativity than I expected. Surprisingly, however, I enjoyed the effort. I especially liked picking out the fixtures and options for my custom closet system. I’ve wanted to have a dressing room since I was a teenager. Now that I have the means and the space to do it, I’m indulging myself. I’m turning one bedroom into a full-room closet. So, so stoked about this! Not only will I have space for all my clothes, there’s dedicated storage for bow ties and boots!

    Third, a new, substantive lawyering project at work has kept me engaged with my job. Having to use my brain for logic and persuasion and for puzzling out creative solutions to obstacles feels so good. But pouring that creativity into work seems to have curbed the urge to write here. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a bit of writers block. Or possibly just burn-out. In any event, I haven’t felt compelled as much to post anything deep and meaningful here. Still, it’s good to have more of a purpose at work again.

    Finally, I have plans to go visit friends for a few days. Butch bro time mixed with a little nurturing and the promise of homemade mushroom soup…I’m really looking forward to the break. When I discussed my PTO request with my boss, he was so encouraging and said he was really glad I am taking some time just for me. That makes it easier to go without guilt.

    So, lots of really good reasons why I didn’t post last week. And, strangely given how hard I’ve worked to keep it up, I am ok with the miss. Maybe I’ll reevaluate the purpose of this blog for next year. Maybe I’ve outgrown it. Or maybe I just need to be more calculating and deliberate about what I use it for. Or maybe nothing needs to change except my obsessive need to keep the streak. We’ll see. Until I make that decision I’m going to try to stay on a regular schedule, though.

    However. I’m now looking at four days off of work and a new house to move to next month. So I’m gonna be a little busy with decluttering and packing and donating and what not. So I might see ya back here next week, or I might not. Either way, I hope y’all have a great holiday, if you’re observing, and a great rest of your week.

    More Great Than Awful

    So much of life is a mixed bag of great and awful. If we’re lucky, they balance, break-even. If we’re really lucky, the great outweighs the awful, at least at a micro, day-to-day level. I am fortunate that there is a lot more great than awful in my life and the magnitude of awful has been fairly muted of late.

    I try consciously to remind myself of that and to celebrate the great, however small they appear, so as to temper the impact of the awful. I’m not always successful. Sometimes the collective weight of the tiny awfuls adds up and weighs down my spirit. But counting the great, saying them out loud even, can sometimes lighten the load.

    For instance, I’m suffering the first head cold of the season and had to stay home from the office yesterday because I was running a fever and didn’t want to spread anything to my coworkers. It’s a particularly inconvenient time for this awful, mucous-y disruption to my work flow. But there are some great things happening too.

    • I’m in the process of buying a new house. It’s a gorgeous, move in-ready upgrade to the house I’ve had for 16 years. I got a great deal – used my negotiating skills and have a great realtor. We’re in the last stages before closing and I’m really excited about the prospect of this new phase of life.
    • There’s a new project at work that has me feeling re-engaged and excited to use my lawyer muscles. Doing deeply substantive lawyering, rather than business management, makes me happy.
    • I’m enjoying the cooler fall weather and looking forward to the freeze that will relieve the burning and itching in my eyes.
    • My SIL brought me my favorite soup for dinner last night to make my cold feel better.
    • Soon the holiday movie season will start and there will be good things to watch again.

    So, all in all, a fairly good tilt toward the great and away from the awful. For that I’m grateful.

    List Again

    Trying to keep the streak going, but not having any luck with composing my thoughts. Restless and anxious lately, I’ve had some trouble writing, which annoys me. Also, been on crutches for over a week after an embarrassing mishap that strained my knee. Luckily, nothing is torn, I don’t need surgery, and I’ll get shot of the vexing crutches at the end of the week.

    Wishing to post and shake myself out of the rut, I decided to resort to a list of nice, soothing or happy things that I’ve encountered recently.

    1. Autumn is upon us. The trees here are just beginning to turn and the temps have cooled considerably. I’m hopeful the first freeze is just around the corner and my itchy eyes will be happy.
    2. The full “Hunter’s” moon night before last was gorgeous. Then yesterday I got pics of it at both dawn and dusk. A couple of them actually turned out ok, too!
    3. I got some new bow ties from a cool, queer-owned Etsy shop. I wore one of them today in a challenge to myself to get out of my comfort zone in terms of mixing patterns. That’s a challenge for me fo no good, rational reason. So I’m trying to loosen up. This combo is a little unsettling, but I’m told it works. I’m fighting the urge to take it off. 🙄😂
    4. I have seen a couple movies with friends lately. Hustlers was a bit difficult in subject matter, but…J-Lo. Downton Abbey was a pleasant surprise. I only watched the first couple of seasons of the show, but loved the actors so much I wanted to see the movie. Thrilled to find a couple of characters developed in a great way. Now I want to watch all the rest of the show’s seasons! I am looking forward to the holiday movie season to see more great flicks with my movie-buff pals.
    5. I’m excited to get to play the first game of D&D with my new online group this Saturday. We’ve had a couple chats to prep for the campaign and I’m really looking forward to trying my hand at it. I’m certain I’ll be painfully slow and bumbling, but the group has been patient and kind so far. I hope it’s as fun as I’ve imagined.

    I hope you all have pleasant things, big and small, that you can count as blessings to brighten your week.

    Some things

    I’ve said a few times over the last several weeks, both on here and in conversation with various friends, that there are some awesome cool things going on in my life lately. I’m grateful to be experiencing it all. Life isn’t perfect and there are good days and bad. But I’m thankful that I average a goodly percentage more good than bad. It’s a privilege and a blessing to experience joy in a world gone haywire. And because it’s a blessing bestowed when sharing your joy, I am gonna relate a few of the awesome things going on right now.

    1. Although I said in my post at the beginning of the year that I wasn’t keeping a report card of my progress this year, I did post a few goals that I wanted to advance this year. One of those was to pluck up the courage to ask someone I find attractive out on an IRL date before the end of the year. I am happy and proud to say that I have accomplished this goal and more. She asked me out first, but I have since asked her and we’ve actually been out several times and are looking forward to more. So, if you happen to notice a certain lightness in my step and an enigmatic grin on my face at odd times, you have your explanation. 😎

    2. Connection is an incredible, life-giving ‘magic’ that defies my ability to define. But it is undeniable, joyous and freeing when it happens. Finding common ground in habit and experience and philosophy and passions brings such a wonderful feeling of belonging and validation. Being seen and affirmed and encouraged in your identity is one of the most beautiful things one human can do for another.

    3. OMG, another one of my absolute favorite lesfic authors followed my blog!! Excuse me while I fan-girl for a hot minute.

    4. Gifts aren’t everything, not even the main thing. But when it’s something the giver heard you describe as an aspiration, not as a request for anything, just something that would be a joy in your life, and they gift you that, that’s a great thing. It means they see and hear you, not just with their eyes and ears, but with their mind, their energy. Those are moments and gifts to cherish, no matter how small they may seem.

    5. Finally getting my shot at playing D&D! And not just any old game, an online game of a bunch of cool queer people from a bunch of different places around the world. I know nothing and am pantsing it with minimal research, but the group knows I’m a noob and graciously welcomed me anyway. So excited! Been trying to get a chance to learn and play since I was 12. Can’t wait for the fun to begin!

    6. Bonus: Recently I’ve had occasion to note how good it feels to be happy for, and to rejoice with, friends for whom great things are happening. The speed at which warmth and happiness can spread when good things go right for good people is astonishing. A promising job interview here, a realized transition there, a new home for that one over there, the start of a professional practice for that friend on the other side, and the giddy elation of a new relationship for still another over yonder. What a bounty of goodness surrounds us, even when there is darkness in the world.

    My friends, I hope this new month and new season is full of joy and positivity for you all. May the fun little things and the inspiring big things lift your spirit. Enjoy the turn of the season and the colors and smells and unique hallmarks of the season in your corner of the world. Keep warm and dry and happy.

    Yeah, That

    You know that feeling, that really awesome feeling, when someone really gets it, gets you, sees you, faults and all, but still likes you and even wants to spend time with you despite your faults and insecurities?

    You know that feeling that makes your shoulders ease and your breath come easier, because the person you’re with understands what you mean even though you didn’t use all the exactly right words?

    You know that feeling that gives you a sense of comfort instead of tension, where you feel capable of expressing yourself without a lot of fumbling for words and pausing to think because you know the person listening is truly interested and won’t judge what you say because of content or language choice or grammar, but just wants to know what’s in your mind and on your heart?

    You know that feeling that comes from smelling something really nice and that is associated with the best memories of your life, that makes you taste and hear and smell the past and re-live that moment of peace or joy or reverence or euphoria, and that reassures you that things can be good and comfortable and fun without something bad or negative having to follow?

    You know that feeling, like the sunshine after a big storm, when the clouds are still dark and threatening, but pierced through with strong beams of warm, yellow light that seems to vibrate with positivity and renewal, making the darkness of the clouds and the fearfulness of the thunder seem distant and silly?

    Have you ever had a moment where all those feelings were bound up in the space of a few hours’ conversation with someone you are only just getting to know but whom you instinctively trust and who you want to spend time with, even when you can’t think of another question or story right now but would be happy to just sit with them and be, still and quiet, just being, together?

    Do you know that feeling?

    Yeah, that.

    It’s pretty great.

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