Archive for the ‘Femme’ Tag

Naive, much?

I think my naiveté might be showing. If you’ve read much of this blog, you’ve probably tumbled to the fact I’m not terribly experienced or worldly-wise when it comes to relationships. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have found in my Special Femme a loving, caring, patient woman willing to let me grow into this role, this new identity, of Butch to her Femme, partner and mate. And I think that space and acceptance has made this first year even more extraordinary and beautiful.

At the same time however, our early success and rapport may have given me a skewed view on the nature of partnership and relationship mechanics. As we continue down the path of life together, new and alien experiences that only occur or have meaning in a relationship continually arise to prove to me my utter lack of knowledge and skill in the art of being a partner and life mate.

Let’s stop here and be very clear on this: Lulu and I have an incredible bond, a wonderful, positive, nurturing, healthy relationship. This post isn’t about a problem between us, as those are rare and quickly resolved privately and amicably when they do arise. This is all about my being a noob (even after a year together) and learning, haltingly and painstakingly, to deal with issues and events that I have never before encountered because of my previously sheltered existence.

What I find most frustrating is that none of it is terribly earth-shattering or new. You’d think that a reasonably intelligent person would be able to spot things on the horizon of this new phase of life and prepare for them. Things that should be simple and basic, such as remembering that I’m not alone anymore, that there’s someone else to consider and consult when making decisions, still are not automatic.

I expected it to be, but its not yet second nature for me to think as a collective being. As much as I love and depend on Lulu, her regard, her insight, her support and acceptance, I still haven’t learned to think of us, instead of me, in practical everyday things. Even things that start as “me” (like what I wear or who I hang out with) might also have an impact in or be influenced by “us”, but that’s still an effort to include in my thought process, when it should be automatic by now.

Part of it has to do with the 9,000 miles between us most of the time. When something is remote, primarily existing in virtual reality, its easy to not think about it in the context of an in-real-life, physical event or activity. But I think it’s more than that. I think that because I have never had a lasting, true partnership before, I have never truly appreciated the art and nuance of two people functioning as one whole.

Thus, I continue to frustrate myself by my continued ‘loner’ thinking. I’ve been blessed with an incredible gift of companionship and support from a lovely, patient, giving person and yet I can’t seem to internalize the scope of that gift. There are still moments when I catch myself remembering (as in smack-your-forehead-and-shout-“oh, yeah!” remembering) to think of talking to Lulu before making a decision that affects us both. Why should the need to do that still surprise me? And, worse, how can I forget that I have her to consider?

What’s wrong with my brain that I still haven’t mastered this?

10 Dates That Live In Infamy…at Least For Me

Everyone has a list of special days, occasions that have special significance on a personal level. Some lists are longer than others. But everyone keeps track of at least one day that has meaning to them, if to no one else.

Until today, my list consisted of nine dates that help tell the story of me. Today, the tenth date was added to my list:

March 1, 1969 – the day I was born
March 1, 1986 – the day my dad died
May 15, 1997 – the day I was sworn in for the first time and received my license to practice law
April 17, 2000 – the day I started work for my current employer, where I’ve earned the most professional success in my career
May 19, 2000 – the day my mom died
October 25, 2002 – the day I bought my first house
March 1, 2013 – the day I finally came out to myself
April 25, 2013 – the day Lulu & I began dating exclusively
October 2, 2013 – the day Lulu & I first met in real life

And:

February 17, 2014 – the day my family acknowledged that I’m gay & that they still love me

There’s so much more to it. So much that I have to wrap my head around before I can share it. All I can say is that Lulu, my beloved and the fiercest, most amazing femme on the planet, is the means of my liberation. One more reason she is my greatest blessing. She deserves a medal for making this happen.

And, though there is a lot of hard stuff left to get through, it is still a day of triumph. This date marks a new phase of my life, one in which I will no longer fear to be myself.

My Femme

On this International Femme Appreciation Day, I’m writing something hopelessly sweet and sappy for my #SpecialFemme. But every word is true and from my heart to hers.

———-

Why I Appreciate and Love My Femme

She sees me. Not just my rough, outer butchness. Not just the skin of respectability that the whole world sees. Not just the confusion & insecurity I’ve shared on my blog. She sees me. She sees with eyes of both physical and spiritual beauty. Seeing all the details of my very being and, still, is not afraid. She sees every asset and flaw, every gift, every scar. But she doesn’t flinch or flee. My fierce femme sees and accepts my whole being, without reserve.

Her heart is full, yet always has room for more. She cares deeply, laughs easily, and loves much. Her regard for life, in every form, is evidenced in both the tender care she showers on her kids and in the tough action she takes on behalf of the voiceless animals in her world. She’s conscious of the impact she has on the world, not just on her physical environment. Carefully treating each person with respect, she strives to leave each person feeling better than they had before her encounter with them. And she is careful of the earth and the gifts it gives us, not wasting, squandering or taking them for granted.

She has an old soul in a young heart. Wisdom and cheeky fun coexist in equal measure within her bigger-than-life personality. She sees the good in people and situations first, and balances negativity with humor and grace. Seeking always to bring light and positivity to every situation, she smiles and looks for the silver lining in every challenge.

Meeting adversity head-on, she uses her sharp mind, determined will and strong body to overcome each hurdle. Like a dynamo, she builds momentum and shares the energy with those around her. She brings everyone involved in a project or situation up to a higher level so that all share in success. Instead of finding fault, she finds solutions.

My fierce femme is a nurturer, a care taker, a comforter, a friend to all she meets. But she’s no push-over. Her sharp mind pierces even the thickest fog of B.S. She condones asshattery from no one and is a lioness when her loved-ones are threatened. She accepts and includes and does not judge harshly.

Her nature and good sense rebel at abuse, tyranny and discrimination. Righteous outrage she unites with active advocacy for change. Though her focus is in the corner of the world she can influence directly, her efforts have impact beyond her immediate circle. Paying positive energy and love into the world, she helps make it a better place all around.

Although, like all people, my femme is not perfect, she strives daily to improve herself and those around her. She exhorts, comforts, teaches and builds up everyone she meets. Inquiring, always curious, she is a forever learner. Smart, funny, caring, peace-loving, and fun, my femme is multi-faceted. Her talents abound, but she strives to augment natural gifts with skill and experience.

And my femme is beautiful. Beyond the sparkling, wise eyes full of life and fire, aside from the knowing smile full of fun and promise, beyond every one of her many physical traits of beauty, my femme has a glorious soul and fiery spirit. She adorns her heart with a love-first-question-later approach to life, gifting everyone she meets with acceptance and acknowledgement and fundamental respect. Her verve and zest for life, her fire and spark make her spirit shine.

For all this and so much more that only she knows, I appreciate my beautiful, wonderful, adorable fierce femme.

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