Archive for the ‘friends’ Tag

Random Bits

Catching up after a trip abroad is busy work! Cleaning out the in-box, unpacking the suitcase, laundry, dry cleaning, home chores, fighting off the head cold/lurgy that you picked up on the plane home…you know, the usual. As a consequence, I have not devised a thoughtful, well-ordered, substantive post in a while. And this one is not an exception to that. But I wanted to post. So here are some random bits:

  • I have recently watched more “tv” via streaming service than I have in years. I’m late to the party on Sherlock, but am *loving* it! Can’t wait for Season 2 of The Mandalorian. So, so, so loving the new Star Trek: Picard series! Catching up on Star Trek: Discovery and enjoying it, though the mushy annunciation of the Klingon portrayals is challenging. All in all, a good bit of entertainment!
  • My company announced the appointment of a new CEO today. Only time will tell if the newcomer will improve the culture and quality of life around here. I dearly hope so.
  • I was interviewed for a feature in Hispanic Executive magazine that’s coming out later this year. That was an ego boost, I can tell you!
  • The dressing room I’ve gushed over so much in recent posts is coming together. I am now in the slow-putter phase of calibration of its optimal layout. I love having this ongoing project to mess around with.
  • Sometimes I struggle with being patient with some of my younger attorneys. They’re doing well, on the whole, and I appreciate their energy and attitudes. But often they move so quickly and pay too little attention to detail. That’s a natural part of maturation, I know. But the energy *I* must expend cleaning up the messes they create in their haste is taxing on my nerves.
  • I posted a bit ago about an experiment I was going to do to try to break the writer’s block I’ve been suffering. I committed to writing by hand for 30 days. No word count or subject matter requirements would apply. Just write every day, whatever comes out of my brain. I started February 10th. I wanted a date that was not the first of a month and I wanted to do 30 days, not just a calendar month. I’m using a brand new, beautiful leather-bound journal that was gifted me by a very dear friend, and a nice, new, heavy brass pen I received for Christmas. It has been a good experience so far, enjoyable. I’m not certain if my creativity has yet been re-energized, but the habit of writing every day has been. That can only be a good thing.
  • My friends and I are in the midst of plotting a return trip to Asheville this Spring. Last year’s holiday was such a huge success and an epic relief of stress that we’re doing it again. Can’t wait!!
  • Choosing a new route out of my neighborhood this morning gave me a great view of some naked trees against the sunrise. I so love the pattern of the branches against the sky.

Friends, I hope you have sunshine and joy in abundance and find things in your life that spark the fire of your imagination. Be excellent to one another.

Investment

Here’s something I’ve figured out and that I want you to know:

Often it is difficult to tell when someone genuinely cares about you. Other times it’s crystal clear. One thing that makes it easy to tell is investment. When someone is invested in you, your interests, your feelings, it becomes clear and undeniable that they care for you and about you.

Investment, to me, is more than mere affection. It is effort and time. It’s listening and reflecting back what you hear in words and in deeds. It is communicating as well as communing. It’s empathy and enthusiasm and encouragement. It is stomping the brain weasels when the other person can’t make them behave. It’s being vulnerable and letting that person in. It’s being brave and letting that person see parts of you that you’re not proud of having. It’s trusting so they’ll trust you. It’s being a safe and soft place for that person to land

When it matters that you care about someone or that they care about you, being invested in their happiness, their interests, their feelings is the surest way to overcome that internal saboteur’s voice that tells them not to believe, that they’re not worthy of such regard, that they don’t have value.

Being invested in someone, putting in that effort and showing them your investment…that’s one of the rarest, most potent, most beautiful gifts you can give to another person.

Salvaging the Streak

Didn’t want to bust again so soon, so here’s a quick listy post of great things in my life over the last few days:

  1. Going to visit friends is life-giving, especially when they welcome you into their home, introduce you to their friends, and treat you like you matter.
  2. Celebrating your friend’s birthday with your presence and presents and a chocolate piñata makes for a wonderful time had by all.
  3. Rest, not just sleep, is good for the spirit.
  4. Courteous and respectful security screening staff at both ends of my trip made this adventure 1000x better than the awesome it already was. Not getting groped and humiliated and triggered just to get on a plane should be the norm, not an exception to celebrate. But I do absolutely celebrate it.
  5. Good food, good movies, good games, and tons of laughs made this trip an energy-restoring, spirit-feeding, wonderful experience.
  6. And now…to get ready for the move!
  • My friends, I hope your week is full of blessings big and small.

    Some things

    I’ve said a few times over the last several weeks, both on here and in conversation with various friends, that there are some awesome cool things going on in my life lately. I’m grateful to be experiencing it all. Life isn’t perfect and there are good days and bad. But I’m thankful that I average a goodly percentage more good than bad. It’s a privilege and a blessing to experience joy in a world gone haywire. And because it’s a blessing bestowed when sharing your joy, I am gonna relate a few of the awesome things going on right now.

    1. Although I said in my post at the beginning of the year that I wasn’t keeping a report card of my progress this year, I did post a few goals that I wanted to advance this year. One of those was to pluck up the courage to ask someone I find attractive out on an IRL date before the end of the year. I am happy and proud to say that I have accomplished this goal and more. She asked me out first, but I have since asked her and we’ve actually been out several times and are looking forward to more. So, if you happen to notice a certain lightness in my step and an enigmatic grin on my face at odd times, you have your explanation. 😎

    2. Connection is an incredible, life-giving ‘magic’ that defies my ability to define. But it is undeniable, joyous and freeing when it happens. Finding common ground in habit and experience and philosophy and passions brings such a wonderful feeling of belonging and validation. Being seen and affirmed and encouraged in your identity is one of the most beautiful things one human can do for another.

    3. OMG, another one of my absolute favorite lesfic authors followed my blog!! Excuse me while I fan-girl for a hot minute.

    4. Gifts aren’t everything, not even the main thing. But when it’s something the giver heard you describe as an aspiration, not as a request for anything, just something that would be a joy in your life, and they gift you that, that’s a great thing. It means they see and hear you, not just with their eyes and ears, but with their mind, their energy. Those are moments and gifts to cherish, no matter how small they may seem.

    5. Finally getting my shot at playing D&D! And not just any old game, an online game of a bunch of cool queer people from a bunch of different places around the world. I know nothing and am pantsing it with minimal research, but the group knows I’m a noob and graciously welcomed me anyway. So excited! Been trying to get a chance to learn and play since I was 12. Can’t wait for the fun to begin!

    6. Bonus: Recently I’ve had occasion to note how good it feels to be happy for, and to rejoice with, friends for whom great things are happening. The speed at which warmth and happiness can spread when good things go right for good people is astonishing. A promising job interview here, a realized transition there, a new home for that one over there, the start of a professional practice for that friend on the other side, and the giddy elation of a new relationship for still another over yonder. What a bounty of goodness surrounds us, even when there is darkness in the world.

    My friends, I hope this new month and new season is full of joy and positivity for you all. May the fun little things and the inspiring big things lift your spirit. Enjoy the turn of the season and the colors and smells and unique hallmarks of the season in your corner of the world. Keep warm and dry and happy.

    On Choosing Me

    Today was yet another rough day in a string of hard days at work. Between the continual stress of the quarter-end rush, the ongoing unpleasant workplace politics, and some extremely unhappy executive duties involving peer investigation and delivering hard news to the big boss, it was a very Monday-ish Tuesday.

    Then, things got worse at the end of the work day when I received some really harsh criticism of myself and my team. If it had been fair, objective and constructive, I would have taken it in stride and worked hard to show swift, lasting improvement. Indeed, for that portion of the feedback that was objective, I have already begun to do exactly that. But the majority of what I received was truly a personal attack calculated to gain political points and unfairly disadvantage my organization for the commenter’s gain.

    As I struggled with my attitude and wrestled with my thoughts on how to respond, I texted with a friend. Their wise counsel and objective, yet unstinting, support helped put a few things into focus, letting me get past the worst of my dark thoughts and turn my brainpower onto the puzzle of what my next steps should be. Though I don’t yet have a solid answer, I have gained a few insights.

    First, I struggle with the building desire to simply walk out; it grows stronger with every blow to my sense of justice. While I’ve already been planning to take my leave, in a professional and orderly manner, stuff like this makes me just want to run. But I have an acute and visceral aversion to quitting, so I’m miserable at the thought that I’m failing in this way.

    However, my friend helped me see that there is a material difference between “leaving an impossible situation” and quitting. They pointed out that when someone abuses your loyalty by using it to hold you hostage while not showing any genuine loyalty in return, your own frame of mind becomes your jailer. Though my heart and soul rebel from any implication of capitulation, there has to come a point where enough is enough, an acceptance that you’ve done all you can. It’s difficult to pinpoint that milestone. And my insight on that turning point is blurred by my fear that my team will suffer in my absence.

    Which brings me to my second realization: I have value, too, and honoring that is neither selfish nor unfeeling as regards others that may be impacted by my choosing myself. This is a hard one for me, and requires a lot of mental and emotional energy to internalize and sustain this belief. So ingrained into my psyche are the lessons of my youth, in which selflessness was elevated to the pinnacle of nobility and worthiness, that even at my age I cringe at being thought selfish and self-serving. But there is value in preserving one’s dignity, salvaging self respect, and refusing to be trampled for the sake of those without compunction or conscience. If nothing else, removing myself from the line of fire preserves my ability to choose another battle.

    But more than this, choosing my own sanity and dignity and emotional safety sends the message to both my tormentors and my team that I know my value and worth. Drawing that line and not letting them destroy that value is as loud and important an act of political resistance as their attempted character assassination on myself and my team. Sending that message can empower my people to do the same. Still…it’s hard and I have to keep telling myself this. I keep telling myself because repetition engenders belief.

    Finally, perhaps the biggest immediate benefit from my friend’s wisdom and support is that the frank discussion drew me out of a dark spiral of negative thoughts and got me thinking strategically. Because of that diversion, I was able to enjoy a pleasant evening in conversation with another friend, being silly and talking about everything else but my dreadful day. It was a great way to end a rough day.

    I’m no closer to a decision on when to resign, and I’ve no firm strategy for responding to the unfair criticism. But with the vital support of a caring, long-term friend and the ease and relief brought by the lighthearted chat with a new friend, I’m in a much better frame of mind. Tomorrow is soon enough to begin the hard stuff. For tonight, I wish you all good rest and the blessings of good friends, old and new.

    Bliss

    It’s Saturday evening. I’ve enjoyed a quiet, laid-back day of reading, games, resting and chatting. It’s the last day of vacation and I’m as mellow and rested as I’ve been in over a year.

    This week was a critical, essential respite from a very stressful stretch of life. Although I didn’t sleep as much as I’d hoped to sleep every day, what sleep I got was restful. Even more nourishing was the stress-free, expectation-free time spent with friends in gentle activity, peaceful relaxation, and honest conversation full of truth, validation, and so much laughter and joy.

    We had amazing food experiences. Two epic taco encounters, a spectacular charcuterie adventure, and even a delicious and comforting Southern breakfast escapade. Not to mention several lovely homespun meals that really hit the spot for hunger for both food and fellowship.

    Art was enjoyed. Gorgeous mountainside vistas were viewed in awe. Bookstores and their contents were explored and revered. Souvenirs were collected. And peace was discovered in the quiet comfort of a cabin in the Blue Ridge mountains with people of like mind and open heart.

    I’m going back to the real world tomorrow. The early flight and subsequent quick-turn to get ready for a business conference next week will, no doubt, dull the sparkle of the shiny-new ease I’ve garnered from this retreat. But it’ll just be surface patina. I think this time away from the angst and pressure and the intentional focus on my own internal restfulness, has helped me reset and win back the relaxation and coping skills I had forgotten. At least that’s my sincere hope.

    With this renewed energy and more centered outlook, I hope to have perspective enough to evaluate my job, and the sources of stress I’ve endured for so long, with fresh eyes and a calm spirit. One week’s rest is by no means a cure-all, but I do hope that the relief from the most recent stresses will be enough to make objective observations and smart, self-first decisions.

    If not, I will at least still have the experience of this blissful week as a source of joy when things get rough.

    Little Joys

    This week was marked by ups and downs both big and small, both personal to me and touching the world. When emotions are as strained as they have been this week, it’s easy to lose sight of the goal and get lost in the weeds of distraction. And when there is a huge weight of emotional burden, it is sometimes hard to see the lighter, more joyous points in life.

    But, as wise ones have pointed out throughout history, taking joy in the small things, relishing the richness found in the details as well as the big picture, makes life worth living. So, as I continue on my determined path of self discovery and improvement, I make an effort to acknowledge some of the good little things that alone carry no profound weight, but in aggregate easily out mass the creeping sludge that threatens to taint every lovely thing.

    Here are three good things that I’m clinging to this week that help keep darkness at bay and lets the light of the little joys shine the brighter:

    1. Yesterday began in the dark hours with more news of more senseless tragedy for the world to cope with. But, as is the dispassionate way of the universe, the planet continued to rotate and revolve. And by the time I reached my office building, the sun began to rise. The beautiful sight was a balm for a troubled heart. I hope you find it soothing, as well.
    2. Sometimes a kind word or a quietly supportive message from someone whose voice you respect can be better medicine than any treatment devised by science. A friend gave me the great gift of letting me “be real” with them, without judgement and without trying to fix me, in a moment when my spirit was at a low ebb. That kind of validation of one’s vulnerability is a precious commodity in my experience.
    3. Other times you just need a new pair of shoes. Or, in my case, boots. I ordered and received these weeks ago, but haven’t wanted to wear them in the snow and muck. But the snow is gone and today there is sunshine and birdsong and a chance to make this a good day. So I’m wearing new boots and my favorite bow tie and venturing out for coffee in the presence of other humans.

    Have a happy Saturday, friends. May you find small joys to make the big moments rich.

    Joyous, Vulnerable, and Deeply Thoughtful

    It’s holiday time and almost the end of the year. That often gets me into a contemplative mood, reviewing the year and thinking about people I haven’t seen in a while. So I’ve made arrangements with several of my favorite people to meet before Christmas and share some time and joy together.

    Last night I was blessed to have have dinner with one of my all-time favorite colleague-turned-friends. She’s effervescent, positive, kind, whip-smart and funny as heck. Because she’s supportive, welcoming and inclusive, she’s also one of the first people I ever came out to. In short, she’s an awesome friend and I really looked forward to seeing her and spending quality time catching up. I wasn’t disappointed.

    We went to a trendy new restaurant with a hip, foodie vibe. Sharing some incredible charcuterie and all kinds of personal news, we laughed and cheered and commiserated. She told me of her triumphant negotiation for a promotion and raise, demonstrating her badass, smarty-pants self confidence. I told boring lawyer war stories. It was an all-around wonderful evening.

    At some point over the risotto and salad, conversation somehow turned to my gender identity and presentation. She asked incisive, sensitive and smart questions and was so kind and respectful throughout. In the midst of this discussion she described a theory she has that she hopes one day to form part of her research for her PhD. I have no doubt she’ll complete that research and be a noted voice in her field. I found the premise fascinating and our discussion, far ranging and lively, was full of vulnerability and challenge and intellectual curiosity.

    My friend’s “Refrigerator Theory” posits that, like the internal compartments in a refrigerator, the boundaries, labels, categories that humans create and impose on every aspect of human experience have no purpose separate from the primary purpose of the thing on which it is imposed (i.e. cooling of food for the fridge, or defining the self for identity labels). Instead, she theorizes, these compartments or labels or boundaries exist only to soothe the human need for order – we create boundaries to provide context to avoid the disquiet of chaos or disorder, but the boundary isn’t necessary to the essential function of the object it applies to. Her devastatingly pointed example (at least if you’re an appliance manufacturer) is the infamous, useless and dysfunctional crisper drawer. It doesn’t crisp or even cool to a significant degree more or less efficiently than the main compartment, but we like that it’s a special place to put the veggies.

    I love the intellectual exercise of challenging a premise, debating points dispassionately and pushing each other to consider new and different points of view. This is especially true when the person I’m talking with is smart and as into the verbal and mental gymnastics as I am. That was definitely the case last night.

    I challenged by proposing that the need exists apart from the order, that perhaps the order rises as a consequence of fulfilling the need. My premise was that where more than one option or condition exists simultaneously, there is a natural need for boundaries or compartments or labels, else there is only ever trial and error. My example is a sink with a tap and two handles; without a n ‘H’ or ‘C’ to distinguish hot from cold, you have to try each one, possibly risking the pain of being burned or chilled if you guess wrong. In other words, it’s not a need for context to generate meaning, but an existence of multitudes of meaning and a need for order to allow each meaning to be evident.

    We didn’t get to any conclusions, of course. But it was an incredibly fun conversation, trying each theory out on various aspects of life – corporate communication, change management, gender identity and expression, to name a few. My friend’s passion for learning and unbridled joy in the process of learning and communicating her knowledge is so fun to witness. I can hardly wait to see the work she produces when she embarks on that research.

    My hope for all of you, as the year winds down and you think about that one to come, is that you will find occasion and loved ones with whom to experience the joy and challenge and vulnerability of great conversation.

    Thankful

    As I get ready for a long awaited, highly anticipated vacation, I thought I’d toss up a quick post to keep the streak alive. Also, I want to try to return to my goal of positivity and gratitude. It is Thanksgiving week in the US and I have much for which to give thanks. So, here is a list of some of the many things and people in my life that I am grateful for and that I count among the best blessings I’ve received.

    1. My loved ones, beginning with my siblings and their families. My brothers, especially, have blessed me with love and kindness and examples of how to be good a leader and a good human. My sisters in law have blessed me with all these things and with tender care and an appreciation for the love that’s uniquely expressed by the labor of loving hands, whether through cooking, cleaning, sewing, art and craftswomanship, even warm hugs when I’ve needed them most. Also my beloved friends who are as chosen family, with their acceptance and validation and solidarity and encouragement. Above all, this love of wonderful people is a treasure for which I am thankful daily.
    2. Freedom. It wasn’t and isn’t free. The physical and emotional and political and psychological labor of so many, in so many capacities and across decades and centuries and in moments as recent as today, these gifts are priceless. And I’m grateful to be the beneficiary of all this work and sacrifice.
    3. Prosperity. Though I have labored hard and long in my life and earned the fruits of that work, I know that my work in isolation is meaningless. For all the work of all whose efforts have contributed, both the seen and unseen, I am thankful.
    4. Challenge. If everything was easy, I could not know the depth of satisfaction of my accomplishments nor the true cost of any achievement. To be challenged intellectually, professionally, politically, socially, even emotionally is a blessing whose worth is viewed in hindsight and measured from the steppes of maturity. I’m grateful to have overcome challenge and learned to welcome new ones.
    5. Leisure. It is a privilege and a great gift to have freedom and means to enjoy free time and the varied and wonderful opportunities for fun and relaxation. I’m grateful for a chance this week to step away from the cares and demands of my work, travel to a beautiful place, spend time with family, and enjoy time doing only things that bring us joy.

    I hope there is much you can be thankful for this week and always. Enjoy your abundance, my friends and I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving holiday.

    Conference Goodness

    I’ve been in Washington DC all week for the 2018 Women, Influence and Power in Law conference. It’s been an amazing experience. Not only have I been privileged to hear women speakers from the top of their respective professions speak on risk taking, leading with authenticity, and choosing integrity over expediency, I’ve had the pleasure of being surrounded by intelligent, engaged and passionate professional women from all over the nation. And getting to spend time in substantive conversation with a few of these incredible women has definitely been a highlight to a truly great professional experience.

    Topping these huge bonuses is the friend time I’ve been lucky to have this week as well. A good friend has recently moved to this area and we were able to get together for dinner and a visit to the FDR Monument in the middle of the week. Enhancing the goodness was the pleasure of meeting my friend’s lovely partner for the first time. She is a kind and beautiful person whose love for my friend glows in every interaction. I can’t be any more deliriously happy for them. I’m looking forward to a great Saturday outing with them as well.

    Opportunity to travel for professional development, experiencing world-class speakers, keeping company with hundreds of amazing women, and time with a great friend…what more could I ask for in a business trip? Nothing. It’s been perfect. Heaps of very good things!

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