Archive for the ‘self care’ Tag

Working on Making it Permanent

So, I’m back to the real world from vacation. It was a blissful reprieve and a truly wonderful experience.

This vacation was lengthy and expensive. It took over a year of planning and saving, some hefty cajoling of one of my brothers, and an unprecedented amount of preparation and working ahead at my job in order to be absent for two consecutive weeks without doing any work. But, oh my, was it worth it!

Foremost among the riches of this vacation is the quality time spent with my siblings. I believe this trip is the longest that my brothers, their wives and I have spent together in over a decade. It was a relaxed, congenial time full of comfortable conversations and silences, fun activities, and restful breaks. And it was free of tension and drama and negativity. It was the best of all worlds and I’m grateful we had that time together.

Also a big part of the benefits of the experience are the memories and mementos of our epic adventure. I so, so enjoyed every part of the cruise. Exciting new experiences, great food, majestic scenery, and so much fun! The excursions were great.

We went to a gold mine in Juneau, where I braved my fear of small places and being under ground and ventured all the way to the first bend of the main shaft – several hundred feet into the mountain! That’s a huge thing for me. I did turn back when the shaft took a turn and I lost sight of the daylight. I couldn’t brave it out beyond that point. But I got to wear a real miner’s helmet, see some awesome 100+ year old equipment, hear a cool story about miners’ lives in the 1800’s, and view some great historical structures. I even got to pan for gold! I think I ended up with about $0.80 worth of flakes and a million bucks worth of fun!

Then there was the glass blowing excursion in Skagway. That was huge fun! The Jewel Gardens park is gorgeous and has what the guide called “Jurassic-sized” everything growing there. The little tearoom on site serves food using vegetables fresh from their fields. And the working glass hot shop is a beautiful addition to that lovely place. My family lucked out and were the only ones booked on our particular excursion there that day. Three of us got a private glass blowing session with a wonderful, talented and friendly blower named Alex. He helped each of us make a customized globe ornament as a souvenir of our experience. I just received mine in the mail yesterday and am so excited it turned out so beautiful!

Perhaps my favorite part of the trip, though, was a day when we didn’t get off the ship. Our day’s transit through Glacier Bay was amazing! The sight and beauty of that place was awe inspiring. I’m so thankful that I got to experience that glorious place!

There were many more little things that made the trip so wonderful. Little moments of joy (the fleeting glimpse of a baby humpback whale breaching off the stern and showing its fluke as it dove) and quiet moments of togetherness (sitting on the Lido Deck breezeway teaching my brothers to wire-wrap gemstones for incorporating into jewelry) made my experience all the richer.

In fact, I got so much more than the beautiful memories and lovely mementos from this vacation. In the process of letting myself enjoy my time away, I seem to have remembered how to sleep. I think I have slept longer and more restfully in the last three weeks than I have in over a year. And I haven’t missed out on anything because of it – the sleep has come when it’s supposed to and I haven’t had to choose between a rest and anything else (like an activity or a chat with a friend) since my vacation began. I’m so glad!

And, also, plus – my relaxed, no-f*’s-given attitude has persisted into my post-vacation approach to life and my workplace. The light-touch, advise-and-release method of crisis management that I described in my last post is holding up to repetition. I have, so far, been successful in keeping myself from taking on the burdens rightfully belonging to others, without shirking my own duties. This more balanced, rationalized, right-sized sense of responsibility is so much more sustainable and easier to bear.

Oh, I know what you’re gonna say! “It’s only Tuesday of your first full week back, so maybe go easy on the glowing new-me reports?”

Agreed. Time will tell if this post-vacation glow lasts. It won’t last forever, I know. But with concentrated intention, maybe I can make it last until the next vacation. Even if that one isn’t the epic, bucket-list-level experience of this Alaska Cruise Adventure vacation, perhaps the more mundane variety of break from the work-a-day world will combine with the residual afterglow of this extraordinary experience and become more permanently etched into my psyche. Who knows?

What I do know now is that I feel better after this vacation and I’m working on making that a permanent state of affairs.

Reasons Be Damned

Last post, I talked about reasons to stay/go at my job. By sheer numbers, Go won hands-down. But I was still working through the logic, trying to figure out whether it was salvageable. Then, later that week, I had a terrifyingly open discussion with my boss in which I admitted to being extremely unhappy and unable to identify what purpose and value I have to the company anymore. He again advised that the chief source of our mutual misery will be leaving in under two years and I should stick it out.

Since that conversation, I’ve been doing my best with the dreck I’m dealing with. I keep looking back at that list in my last post and trying to beef up the Stay side, attempting to persuade myself that giving up on nearly 20 years of work and professional investment isn’t failure. I have dug as deep as I know how, and I keep coming up empty.

And in the face of the blatantly unfair and wrong directive I received last night, which completely disregards my leadership, undermines my authority, and eviscerates my agency,…for the second time at this job…I can think of no good reason to stay and endure the continued abuse and poisonous politics.

Reasons be damned. I’m out.

I even applied for a job I saw on LinkedIn today. I won’t just walk out, leaving my team unsupported and work undone. But I’ve made the choice inside my head and committed to myself that I won’t put up with it any more.

Now I just have to find the least disruptive path to a new start. Oh, and tell my family…and my boss…and my team.

Ugh, this sucks.

Reasons

I’ve been having a hard time at work for a while now.  Well over a year, by my loose estimation. The reasons have diversified over that time, but the impact is the same: I’m stressed, not sleeping well, and generally unhappy and demotivated.

Lots of street-corner philosophers and internet meme wisdom would have me believe that (1) nothing and no one is responsible for my happiness or unhappiness, other than myself, and that (2) no one can “make” me feel anything, rather I choose how I feel about and respond to any situation or stimulus.

My gut and brain tell me that’s reductive BS, that, as with so much in life, the truth is a mix and somewhere in the middle.  I might have control over whether I rage and storm and become offended by innocuous and inconsequential things, but there is truth that humans have natural, predictable reactions to certain stimuli and blaming the person who reacts in those expected ways for feeling those things, naming those reactions a ‘choice’ as a derogation of their self-control, is emotional blackmail.  My intellect and rational brain tell me that feeling bad or overwhelmed or anxious or stressed when impacted by bad, overwhelming, anxiety-inducing and stressful stimuli is natural and rational and, in some ways, healthy and that I should not feel shame or guilt or failure because of these feelings.

But my heart, that thing so affected by emotion and anxiety and illogic, takes this so-called wisdom and views my reactions, in the context of my current turmoil, and turns this would-be motivational message into a cudgel to pulverize my already fragile confidence, making me question my own judgment and defeating any momentum for change that the stress and struggle may have produced. Almost as if from an outside vantage point, I see these contradicting forces at work, recognize that the turmoil is happening. But I seem powerless to overcome the internal saboteur, unable to center logic and reason over emotion and insecurity. The sludge rises and coats my reason with fear, miring my volition in inertia.

In an attempt to break the hold of anxiety’s inertia, I resorted to an old stand-by trick that has helped me overcome test anxiety, stage fright, writer’s block, and bouts of impostor syndrome from the time I started school all the way through my last birthday: making lists. By listing issues and risks and possible solutions and available resources and missing pieces and reasons for or against any given situation, I have learned to impose order on chaotic thoughts and calm the inner storm. This has helped me more times than I can count over the course of my life.

When I hit a saturation point a couple of weeks ago, when a particularly rank pile of workplace political horse manure landed on my desk, I decided I had had enough. It was the closest I’ve come in over twenty years to simply walking out of my office and never coming back.  But I’m not a quitter; I have a fundamental moral aversion to quitting before I’ve tried absolutely every possible alternative. And I don’t typically give in to rash impulses. So, instead of screaming “I quit” and walking out, I decided to make a list, two lists, actually: Reasons to Go, and Reasons to Stay, at my job.

On an 8.5 x 11 inch piece of graph paper, I listed the Reasons to Stay on the left-hand side.  There were 8 items on that list after spending an entire afternoon thinking about it and intentionally striving to add everything I could think of that would induce me to stay.  On the right-hand side of the page I listed the Reasons to Go.  It only took 15 minutes to fill the entire length of the page with 22 separate items, some with sub-parts. I bet if I let myself, I could add even more.

Now, in something so weighty and consequential as a decision to quit a high-paying job with professional prestige, sheer numbers of reasons listed in the midst of emotional upheaval shouldn’t be the only deciding factor.  I acknowledge this.  I also acknowledge that these thoughts, generated amidst emotional stress or not, are valid and shouldn’t be discounted simply because they’re items in a list.  The quality and consequence of the reasons matter and should be taken into account, too.

Here are my lists:

Reasons to Stay: Reasons to Go:
Paycheck Savings Enough for Months-Long Job Search
Loyalty No Loyalty in Return
Protect My Staff Can’t Protect if I’m a Lame Duck
I’m Not a Quitter I’m Not a Masochist, Either
Sense of Obligation – Don’t Leave in a Lurch Can’t Carry Obligation for Someone Who Doesn’t Want Me
Hassle to Find New Job I’m Unhappy
Age – Harder to Get New Job Out of Control Stress
Inertia Sleeplessness
  Don’t Feel I’m Adding Value Anymore When My Efforts Are Unappreciated
  I Can Find a Place to Add Value and be Appreciated
  Opportunity to Change Direction – Personal and Professional
  Chance to Re-Set and Re-Order My Life
  Take Time for Hobbies
  Take Time to Travel and See Friends
  Time to Write
  Chance to Work on Personal Growth
  Time to do Home Chores and Projects
  Relief from Pressure, Stress, Anxiety
  Distance from Boss’ Fits of Rage
  Change is Refreshing – New People, Places, Challenges
  Chance to Cultivate Peace and Tranquility in My Life
  I’m Not Irreplaceable – the Company and My Team Will Be Fine Without Me

What I take from the flat comparison of the two lists is that there are more numerous and weighty reasons to leave than to stay.  Assessing for depth, I can’t see that there is any urgency left within me anymore to continue fighting the anxiety, to endure the demoralizing disregard and mistreatment from my colleagues, or to achieve any specific professional objectives, that add up to a reason to stay. But I can see a lot of yearning to be free from the negativity, stress and emotional upheaval that is constantly generated by the people I work with.

Because it’s not the job, it’s the people. If I were to look for a new job (and I have been looking quite a lot), I’d still look for a similar position – I still love being an attorney for a company doing good things. I just don’t want to have to endure the toxicity that currently surrounds me in this company.

One of my frequent commentors on this blog said something recently about me being in a constantly toxic environment and continuing to expect to not be poisoned. That thought has been stinging the inside of my skull ever since I read it. At first, I was a little hurt to think they viewed me as naive and irrational for feeling so keenly the hurts from this job. But the more I think about it, the comment and my situation, the more I come to understand that what I’m feeling is grief over having finally reached the end of my creativity and ingenuity for inventing paths to resolution. I’m grieving over not being able to fix a problem that I didn’t create. I’m grieving a failure not of my making. I’m grieving the end of an era of my professional life that didn’t culminate in triumph, but in apathy.

One of those internet memes of wisdom I’ve seen a lot of lately advises not to hold onto a mistake simply because you spent a long time making it. Similarly, I’ve been advised by the interwebs that I can’t reach for something new if my hands are full of old junk.  While pithy, maybe even trite, and certainly oversimplified, these bits of advice hold a kernel of true wisdom: letting go of past mistakes gives you the opportunity to move on…hopefully to avoid making the same mistakes later.

My boss has been giving me little pep talks lately, taking pains to complement me and apologize for all his temper tantrums and the stress he adds to my life, and making a point of assuring me that the chief agitator causing the bulk of the drama is on a plan that has them retiring in 18 months or less.  He tells me all the time to just hang on for a little over a year and the main source of all our grief will be gone.

That’s so, so tempting.  By that time, I’ll have surpassed the 20-year mark with this company, a nice, round, milestone achievement.  Also by that time, my bonus for this year’s achievements will have been paid (if all the gates are met). And with the horizon free of the Senior Butthead and Top Drama Maker, I could see myself finishing out my career with this company.

But the rational voice still living in my head, however muted and small, still shouts that whomever replaces that jerk may not be any better and, besides, 18 months is a LOOOOOOOONG time in which much stress and turmoil can occur and in which they may change their plans and not retire at all.

So, since the present is all the time any of us has, should I waste my opportunity to take back my happiness on a hope for someone else’s decision to retire or not? Do I have it in me to stay another year and half while that plays out, enduring the continued toxicity and risking panic attacks and remaining unhappy – is the milestone and the potential bonus and the hoped-for relief solid enough of a benefit to make sucking it up worth it?

No answers, yet.  I’ve told myself, and even one friend who I trust, that I’ve already decided that I’m out.  But I don’t have another job, yet, so I’m not making any rash moves.  Will inertia win? I’ll just have to keep thinking and working on my courage to make a change, I guess.

 

Disillusioned

Seems like every attempt lately to return to a positive, grateful, hopeful mind-set is met with a set-back. That’s oversimplified and probably exaggerated, but, experientially, that’s what I’m feeling.

This week, instead of focusing on the return to stressful work after a vacation and the miserable cold I picked up on the plane home, I have tried to concentrate on how grateful I am for time away with family and the beautiful skies I’ve witnessed.

But I cannot ignore the disheartening, disillusioning news I received about a colleague yesterday. Someone I have respected and relied on, a business partner and friend, has been discovered engaging in workplace activity that has the potential to harm other colleagues at my company, negatively impacting their quality of life in both their jobs and home lives.

This person, confronted, has admitted what they did and offered no rationale, just a shrug and a hollow “sorry”. This is someone I’ve worked with for years and whom I’ve helped mentor, someone I’ve trusted to handle issues in my stead and whom I’ve recommended as a reliable resource. Until they confessed, I would never have considered them capable of this behavior and would have been skeptically resistant to any allegation of such activity.

But there is no doubt of their culpability. The certainty of it is as devastating as the initial revelation. I’m really struggling with the enormity of their deception and, admittedly, with how foolish I feel for having had such certainly in their personal integrity and reliability.

Capping off that blow, I witnessed a very troubling sequence of online posts from a friend that has confirmed my long-held fears of openly discussing mental health issues. My friend posted about how they had recently struggled with depression and thoughts of self-harm and had begun to feel better. They spoke of focusing on self care and how being open, authentic and accountable on these struggles is a necessary part of their self care. They then posted about how their posts were met with a flood of intervention-type calls, despite their earlier clear statements that they were ok. They commented how these well-meaning, yet clumsy and misplaced, efforts add to the emotional labor and stress they are trying to overcome. Their message is that this reaction further stigmatizes mental health and chills open dialogue that could help those who are suffering and makes them censor their public discourse on these topics.

This sequence of events and chilling effect is precisely what I’ve feared and experienced all my life. No one seems to get that when you recognize the problem within yourself and you’re making a genuine effort to address it, reaching out to talk to others is the scariest, most vulnerable act of self care there is. And when that bravery is met with a smothering, ham-fisted, “you must do X”-authoritarian attitude that disregards the seeker’s agency and the work they’ve already done, it exhausts a person’s will, their very soul.

The confluence of these two soul-wrenching, saddening, demoralizing emotional tidal waves in one week was a lot to take, especially in the context of the baseline load of stress at work, which is, regrettably, quite high.

So, in a bid to salvage some scrap of positivity in this week of harrowing emotional experiences, I’m spending the day in my flannel pjs, watching college football while wrapping some Christmas gifts. Taking things slowly, eating what tastes good, enjoying the excitement of the game and, in between, listening to music and playing a video game or two – this is me coping for today. This is my positivity for today. That has to be enough.

A few things 

Here we are, more than two weeks after my last post, and I’m copping out with another listy post. Truth is that I want to write more, better, and more frequently, but I am in my own way. My inner critic and the demands of my daily life sometimes overwhelm my creative urge to express. The simple goal of one post per week for the remainder of the year seemed so reasonable and achievable when I set it a few months ago. But it has proved much more challenging than it should be. 

Still, I want to write, so I’m writing. Even if it’s just that paragraph and the following list, it’s something. I set the goal for myself, so any progress is also for me and I’m counting this as some (small) progress. 

So here goes, a few things I want to share:

  • Wil Wheaton, actor and author and Internet personality, is someone whose work I admire. Truthfully, on the basis of only his public persona and online commentary, he himself is someone whom I admire, in addition to his creative works. I’ve followed his blog for a couple of years and almost always find in it something to think about, laugh at, or learn from. I love the wit and intelligence I perceive in his writing. This week he posted, as he does not infrequently, about his struggle with mental illness. I so admire his honesty and willingness to be vulnerable about his condition for the sake of helping others. Read his post, please. Even if you don’t struggle with depression, this is a message on self care and realness with yourself that everyone needs to hear. I got a lot out of it and I hope you will too. 
  • Summer time is awesome. I don’t do as much outside as I should, but I still appreciate gorgeous blue skies, warm breezes and sunshine. 😎☀️👍🏻
  • As my work responsibilities have increased over the years, I have grown to deeply appreciate the exceptional benefit that is the work of a good executive assistant. The amount of burden and bother an EA lifts off the shoulders of anyone they serve is enormous! I’m so so lucky that my boss’s EA does so much for me. She’s just volunteered to do a job for me next week that is absolutely not her responsibility, but will save me a half a day of lost productivity, the value of which far surpasses the dollar value of my time and hers. It sounds overly effusive to the point of being fake, but I am genuinely overwhelmed with gratitude that she’s taking that off my hands. Perhaps that speaks somewhat to the level of stress I’m working with right now. Probably. But it also says a lot about how valuable a good assistant is. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend, full of sunshine and things to feel grateful for. 

The Case for Self Care

Self care is a concept that makes sense intellectually. If you take care of yourself, you’re in a better position to care for others. But for me, emotionally, I struggle with the sense of selfishness that always comes with putting myself first. It feels exactly opposite to my entire upbringing. 

But I can appreciate that everyone needs a rest, a break now and then. So here are three ways I’m indulging in some self care:

  1. I’m taking the week off. I’ve been working a lot. I always have worked long hours, but in the last few weeks I’ve been under a lot of stress with a lot of executive-level decisions. So I have told myself that I’ll be sharper, better equipped to keep up that level of work if I take a break. Plus, I promised myself last year that I’d use my PTO this year. I lost two weeks last year, and I don’t want to do that this year. It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m down to one week and still hopeful to use most of it. 
  2. Also, I have given up on social media. With the exception of a few #lookingup Tweets to post a few cool sunrise/sunset pics, I haven’t opened Facebook or looked at my Twitter timeline in a week. The relief from the constant barrage of anger, unkindness, and hate that saturates media feeds, I have been calmer and less anxious. The trade-off is a deeper sense of isolation. I’m still trying to find an IRL community, friends with shared experiences and interests. That’s harder to do than you’d expect. But even so, the lessening of the angst is worth the isolation. Sorry if you’ve posted in my timeline- try PM via Messenger or text me directly. For now, I’m giving FB and Twitter a miss. 
  3. Finally, I’m finding time for quiet time alone. Minutes to hours where the screens are off and there’s no one talking to me are precious. It isn’t that I don’t want people near me or to talk to me. But I have to be “on” all the time, both at work and home, when people are there. I’m expected to make decisions and give direction and contribute to the conversation. That’s part of the job and part of being a family. But it’s part of what makes me stressed out, too. For whatever reason, noise, especially voices, build up a pressure inside my nerves, make me want to run and hide. So I’m trying to find time, at least a few minutes every day, to sit quietly alone and let my jangling nerves rest. 

I hope you’re finding ways to treat yourself well. Peace and light to you all. 

Back to Work Wednesday 

As I write this I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. One day of actual work and I’m beat at 9pm. Granted, I have just had four days off in a row in which I did next to nothing and, as a result, actually using my brain today felt extra hard. 

But I didn’t have more than three meetings and only a couple of drop-ins from my boss. I even wore my favorite, ratty, indeterminate salmonish colored sweatshirt and comfy jeans with no tie as a sort of self care slash wearable security blanket moment. I really shouldn’t be this tired. 

Whatever the cause, my familiar, beloved bed awaits and I can sleep a good sleep before getting up and doing it all again tomorrow. Vacation is over and I gotta get back into the swing of working hard. 

Good night, peeps!

Selflessness: Broken Paradigm 

First, I’m not against the concept of selflessness, of putting others’ needs above your own to serve the greatest good. 
Second, this is not a rant on anything or anyone, not my parents, my church, my friends, or my employer, not on any of the communities to which I claim to belong, and not on any creed or ethos. 

Third, this is not a humble (or not-so-humble) brag or attempt to elicit compliments. Indeed, I think the very fact that I’m struggling with this may be evidence that I’m not actually selfless to any measurable degree, despite my upbringing. Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. 

This is just a note of some thoughts I’ve been mulling over for a long time. I’ve decided to put them out into the universe and see if I can’t glean some peace from the sharing. You are welcome to comment. In fact, I’ll be keenly interested in your thoughts. But I may not respond…it may be too hard. We’ll see. 

Here goes, my first post in months…raw and inadequately edited. 

— — — —

I was raised in a conservative, fundamentalist Christian home. From the beginning, lessons of Christ’s sacrifice and my duty to be modest and selfless (in gratitude and emulation of that sacrifice), were instilled rigorously. Being thought selfish or greedy or envious was, in my family, as serious and egregious as being thought a quitter. And quitting itself was regarded as the height of selfishness. Putting others before yourself and family before all (except God), was in my family a kind of natural law, a fundamental understanding not to be challenged or transgressed. 

From the small courtesies — “May I get you anything while I’m up?”, “Please, take my seat ma’am.”, “Would you like the last piece of cake?” — to major life decisions — Does this house/school/career let me be available to help my family? Does this choice [X] bring honor or discredit to my family or friends? Will I embarrass/hurt/exclude anyone if I do [X]?– I was raised to think of myself last and everyone else first. 

As a general guiding principle, I believe this social tenet is a fine, noble principle that promotes harmony and a benevolent, kind, loving world. But it can’t stand on its own. To have these desired results, it has to be bolstered by a common understanding of the limits of courtesy and hospitality, as well as a clear definition of what constitutes abuse of that courtesy. Too, the principal must not be divorced from an equally strong emphasis on the rightness, acceptability and, indeed, the expectation of self care, the principle that even the giver must also receive. 

Otherwise, you end up with everyone falling all over themselves to be considerate of the other and then neither receiving anything in a grand comedy of the absurd. Or, more likely, you end up with a bunch of individuals who do nothing but consume the generosity and energy of the smaller bunch of individuals who burn themselves out on the pyre of selflessness. 

And I’m not even talking about “Mother Teresa” level selflessness. No, it’s the ordinary, small-scale selflessness that somehow becomes a gargantuan burden by the slow erosion of the entire sense of me and my and mine that comes from constant outward focus. It’s years and decades of accumulated yielding of the floor in tiny daily doses that destroys the ability to consciously choose “I want” over “No, please, after you”. It’s always having that pang of shame and urge to justify after the simplest choice that puts you first, like going first into an elevator, or taking the first helping of a dish at dinner, or choosing the movie you want to watch instead of deferring to the group. It’s the compulsion to volunteer to work the weekend or holiday or overtime because someone else’s family life, love life, personal issues are always more important than your own. 

Is all of that a caricature of extremes? Yes. Wildly inaccurate? No. At least not in my lived experience or in my observation of the lives of my siblings and many others whom I hold dear. I’m willing to bet that anyone reading this also knows at least one person who has taken the lesson of selflessness at least as far as neglecting their own comfort and rest because “there’s just so much to be done and not enough time”. When in actuality, if that person had help attending to the necessaries of all the others, that person would have more time and energy to spend on themselves. 

But that’s the central point: that person wouldn’t think first to spend that extra time and energy on themselves, because that would be selfish, self-indulgent, self-centered and greedy. 

So, at what point is it okay to think of you and your needs or wants first, without guilt or remorse?

That’s the enduring question of anyone who has lived a lifetime under the relentless drumbeat of the selflessness mantra. To be sure, everyone, even the truly selfless, serves themselves from time to time. It’s the “without guilt or remorse” part that’s the trouble. 

Because, unscientifically–and yes, from my own experience–there seems to be an extraordinarily strong correlation between a selflessness upbringing and deeply internalized shame, persistent guilt, and the unyielding conviction of unworthiness. I posit that these last, especially guilt, are the scaffolding that support the selflessness mindset, allowing it to become a self-sustaining paradigm. Without guilt, shame and the person’s belief in their unworthiness in comparison to whomever else comes before them, wouldn’t self-care naturally assert itself as the dominant practice? If seeking self first were not stigmatized, how would the collective good, the community interest, the societal need ever become a priority?

My point after all that rambling is that half-theories taught as full-gospel, propped up with destructive negative reinforcement, are an unstable foundation for social structure. Sooner or later the structure implodes from the pressure differential between inward need and external demand. What’s left is a twisted wreck of a once strong and beautiful framework. 

When the drive to be selfless supplants the instinct to nurture the self as much as the other, and sometimes before the other, the nobility of this ethos is corrupted into oppression. 

How much of that corruption and imbalance is the teacher and how much the student? Who can say? It’s different for every person, I imagine. But when someone who has always tried to put others first and struggled with guilt over acts of self-care begins to question the fundamental principle and to push back against the knee-jerk shame, I think it’s safe to assume that something fundamental is amiss. And when questioning turns to bitterness, all the best parts of the principle are lost. 

I don’t want to be that bitter cynic. I want to find balance. I want to serve others and the greatest good AND I want to be able to rest and be served myself on occasion, without feeling small and petty and shamefully selfish for the wanting. But having others give me a figurative pat on the head and tell me “it’s ok to take care of yourself”, feels patronizing, false and not OK. It feels like a back-handed reminder that I’m not worthy of counting first. Insidious doubt about the motive behind the message, suspicion of some sneering sarcasm painting me as a loser in this person’s mind because I want someone for myself, destroys any ability to accept what is kindly offered. That mistrust of the simple exhortation to rest and look after myself just reinforces all the negative thoughts I already harbor. 

So, if I can’t convince myself that self-care isn’t self indulgence, and I don’t believe it from others, what else is there? It feels like a hopeless loop. I don’t know if there is an answer. At least not yet. 

Guess I’ll just have to keep working on it. 

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