Archive for the ‘stress’ Tag

Stamina + Health Critically Low

I feel like a video game character who has run too fast or lifted something too heavy. If you checked my status display you’d see an empty stamina wheel and a single blinking heart signaling a need for energy top-up. My screen image would be a drooping, panting, limp mess. 

In other words, I’m exhausted. 

My stupid brain kept me awake half the night with ridiculous stress dreams about work for no discernible reason. Yes, I had a 6am conference call, which is unusual, but it shouldn’t have raised the kind of stress found in these idiotic dreams. I’m amazed at the appalling ingenuity of my subconscious in creating images and scenarios that can snap me instantly awake with a pounding heart rate at 3am. Over nothing at all! It’s infuriating. 

Now I’m dragging so hard I don’t know what to think. I’m glad all my meetings were this morning, because my brain is M. I. A. right now and I’m afraid I’d seriously embarrass myself if I had to present or speak intelligently on anything at the moment. 

So, I may be calling it a day a little early today. Just in time to repeat it over another early call tomorrow. Joy. 

I hope you’re well rested and having a lovely day. I’m determined that I will too…eventually. 🙂

Mangled Lyrics 

I have always had a challenge with “ear worms”, songs that get stuck in your head and repeat incessantly. As a kid, I shared the joy of them with everyone by singing them loudly until I exhausted whatever malicious energy feeds them. But as an adult I have to be conscious of the fact that that extremely annoying habit might induce aggression or get me committed as insane. 

So I learned a long time ago that I can usually kill an ear worm by replacing it with a go-to song that my brain finds comforting and non-invasive. I let that song play in my head, a little louder than the other, and let its rhythm overtake the other. Something about that process flips the off switch and I can generally get on with my day or relax enough to sleep. 

I say this usually works, because sometimes it doesn’t. When I’m particularly stressed, for example, and the insidious song is somehow connected by my brain to the stressor, even that trick is unreliable. 

And now, to accompany the extreme stress and anxiety I’m experiencing from the elections, comes the fresh hell of ear worms of mangled lyrics that tie the songs and stress even closer together. 

No peace within, no peace without. Joy. 

For a week now (at least since the election), I’ve had a soundtrack of alternating song snippets punctuating my every waking moment. First up is my brain’s twisted version of the refrain from “Everything is Awesome” by Tegan & Sara from the LEGO Movie, only its “Everything is Awful” over and over again. Followed closely by a version of Fun’s “All Alright”, in which my brain supplies slightly modified and completely accurate lyrics of “It’s not alright, no it’s not alright, it’s such a mess inside of my head and I’m not alright. No it’s not alright, no it’s not alright, I’ve got nothing left inside of my chest and I’m not alright.”

So that’s fun. 

I can’t decide if my brain is trying to help me or kill me. Maybe it’s an affirmation of my feelings, a biochemical validation that’s supposed to help me through until I am alright? Or maybe it’s just one more layer of stress and awfulness designed to make my head explode. I don’t know. 

But my go-to, ear worm-killing, comfort song* isn’t helping. And the peaceful moments alone that I desperately need to still the screeching static in my head are infiltrated with these ceaseless songs.   

I need a new trick to turn off the unwanted music.   

*I can’t say what it is or its power will fade, like Samson and his locks of hair…or something. 

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