Archive for the ‘thankfulness’ Tag

Salvaging the Streak

Didn’t want to bust again so soon, so here’s a quick listy post of great things in my life over the last few days:

  1. Going to visit friends is life-giving, especially when they welcome you into their home, introduce you to their friends, and treat you like you matter.
  2. Celebrating your friend’s birthday with your presence and presents and a chocolate piñata makes for a wonderful time had by all.
  3. Rest, not just sleep, is good for the spirit.
  4. Courteous and respectful security screening staff at both ends of my trip made this adventure 1000x better than the awesome it already was. Not getting groped and humiliated and triggered just to get on a plane should be the norm, not an exception to celebrate. But I do absolutely celebrate it.
  5. Good food, good movies, good games, and tons of laughs made this trip an energy-restoring, spirit-feeding, wonderful experience.
  6. And now…to get ready for the move!
  • My friends, I hope your week is full of blessings big and small.

    More Great Than Awful

    So much of life is a mixed bag of great and awful. If we’re lucky, they balance, break-even. If we’re really lucky, the great outweighs the awful, at least at a micro, day-to-day level. I am fortunate that there is a lot more great than awful in my life and the magnitude of awful has been fairly muted of late.

    I try consciously to remind myself of that and to celebrate the great, however small they appear, so as to temper the impact of the awful. I’m not always successful. Sometimes the collective weight of the tiny awfuls adds up and weighs down my spirit. But counting the great, saying them out loud even, can sometimes lighten the load.

    For instance, I’m suffering the first head cold of the season and had to stay home from the office yesterday because I was running a fever and didn’t want to spread anything to my coworkers. It’s a particularly inconvenient time for this awful, mucous-y disruption to my work flow. But there are some great things happening too.

    • I’m in the process of buying a new house. It’s a gorgeous, move in-ready upgrade to the house I’ve had for 16 years. I got a great deal – used my negotiating skills and have a great realtor. We’re in the last stages before closing and I’m really excited about the prospect of this new phase of life.
    • There’s a new project at work that has me feeling re-engaged and excited to use my lawyer muscles. Doing deeply substantive lawyering, rather than business management, makes me happy.
    • I’m enjoying the cooler fall weather and looking forward to the freeze that will relieve the burning and itching in my eyes.
    • My SIL brought me my favorite soup for dinner last night to make my cold feel better.
    • Soon the holiday movie season will start and there will be good things to watch again.

    So, all in all, a fairly good tilt toward the great and away from the awful. For that I’m grateful.

    No Context

    Quick post to keep the streak going. No context. Just some random pictures from the last couple of weeks of things that have made me smile.

    List Again

    Trying to keep the streak going, but not having any luck with composing my thoughts. Restless and anxious lately, I’ve had some trouble writing, which annoys me. Also, been on crutches for over a week after an embarrassing mishap that strained my knee. Luckily, nothing is torn, I don’t need surgery, and I’ll get shot of the vexing crutches at the end of the week.

    Wishing to post and shake myself out of the rut, I decided to resort to a list of nice, soothing or happy things that I’ve encountered recently.

    1. Autumn is upon us. The trees here are just beginning to turn and the temps have cooled considerably. I’m hopeful the first freeze is just around the corner and my itchy eyes will be happy.
    2. The full “Hunter’s” moon night before last was gorgeous. Then yesterday I got pics of it at both dawn and dusk. A couple of them actually turned out ok, too!
    3. I got some new bow ties from a cool, queer-owned Etsy shop. I wore one of them today in a challenge to myself to get out of my comfort zone in terms of mixing patterns. That’s a challenge for me fo no good, rational reason. So I’m trying to loosen up. This combo is a little unsettling, but I’m told it works. I’m fighting the urge to take it off. 🙄😂
    4. I have seen a couple movies with friends lately. Hustlers was a bit difficult in subject matter, but…J-Lo. Downton Abbey was a pleasant surprise. I only watched the first couple of seasons of the show, but loved the actors so much I wanted to see the movie. Thrilled to find a couple of characters developed in a great way. Now I want to watch all the rest of the show’s seasons! I am looking forward to the holiday movie season to see more great flicks with my movie-buff pals.
    5. I’m excited to get to play the first game of D&D with my new online group this Saturday. We’ve had a couple chats to prep for the campaign and I’m really looking forward to trying my hand at it. I’m certain I’ll be painfully slow and bumbling, but the group has been patient and kind so far. I hope it’s as fun as I’ve imagined.

    I hope you all have pleasant things, big and small, that you can count as blessings to brighten your week.

    Some things

    I’ve said a few times over the last several weeks, both on here and in conversation with various friends, that there are some awesome cool things going on in my life lately. I’m grateful to be experiencing it all. Life isn’t perfect and there are good days and bad. But I’m thankful that I average a goodly percentage more good than bad. It’s a privilege and a blessing to experience joy in a world gone haywire. And because it’s a blessing bestowed when sharing your joy, I am gonna relate a few of the awesome things going on right now.

    1. Although I said in my post at the beginning of the year that I wasn’t keeping a report card of my progress this year, I did post a few goals that I wanted to advance this year. One of those was to pluck up the courage to ask someone I find attractive out on an IRL date before the end of the year. I am happy and proud to say that I have accomplished this goal and more. She asked me out first, but I have since asked her and we’ve actually been out several times and are looking forward to more. So, if you happen to notice a certain lightness in my step and an enigmatic grin on my face at odd times, you have your explanation. 😎

    2. Connection is an incredible, life-giving ‘magic’ that defies my ability to define. But it is undeniable, joyous and freeing when it happens. Finding common ground in habit and experience and philosophy and passions brings such a wonderful feeling of belonging and validation. Being seen and affirmed and encouraged in your identity is one of the most beautiful things one human can do for another.

    3. OMG, another one of my absolute favorite lesfic authors followed my blog!! Excuse me while I fan-girl for a hot minute.

    4. Gifts aren’t everything, not even the main thing. But when it’s something the giver heard you describe as an aspiration, not as a request for anything, just something that would be a joy in your life, and they gift you that, that’s a great thing. It means they see and hear you, not just with their eyes and ears, but with their mind, their energy. Those are moments and gifts to cherish, no matter how small they may seem.

    5. Finally getting my shot at playing D&D! And not just any old game, an online game of a bunch of cool queer people from a bunch of different places around the world. I know nothing and am pantsing it with minimal research, but the group knows I’m a noob and graciously welcomed me anyway. So excited! Been trying to get a chance to learn and play since I was 12. Can’t wait for the fun to begin!

    6. Bonus: Recently I’ve had occasion to note how good it feels to be happy for, and to rejoice with, friends for whom great things are happening. The speed at which warmth and happiness can spread when good things go right for good people is astonishing. A promising job interview here, a realized transition there, a new home for that one over there, the start of a professional practice for that friend on the other side, and the giddy elation of a new relationship for still another over yonder. What a bounty of goodness surrounds us, even when there is darkness in the world.

    My friends, I hope this new month and new season is full of joy and positivity for you all. May the fun little things and the inspiring big things lift your spirit. Enjoy the turn of the season and the colors and smells and unique hallmarks of the season in your corner of the world. Keep warm and dry and happy.

    Yeah, That

    You know that feeling, that really awesome feeling, when someone really gets it, gets you, sees you, faults and all, but still likes you and even wants to spend time with you despite your faults and insecurities?

    You know that feeling that makes your shoulders ease and your breath come easier, because the person you’re with understands what you mean even though you didn’t use all the exactly right words?

    You know that feeling that gives you a sense of comfort instead of tension, where you feel capable of expressing yourself without a lot of fumbling for words and pausing to think because you know the person listening is truly interested and won’t judge what you say because of content or language choice or grammar, but just wants to know what’s in your mind and on your heart?

    You know that feeling that comes from smelling something really nice and that is associated with the best memories of your life, that makes you taste and hear and smell the past and re-live that moment of peace or joy or reverence or euphoria, and that reassures you that things can be good and comfortable and fun without something bad or negative having to follow?

    You know that feeling, like the sunshine after a big storm, when the clouds are still dark and threatening, but pierced through with strong beams of warm, yellow light that seems to vibrate with positivity and renewal, making the darkness of the clouds and the fearfulness of the thunder seem distant and silly?

    Have you ever had a moment where all those feelings were bound up in the space of a few hours’ conversation with someone you are only just getting to know but whom you instinctively trust and who you want to spend time with, even when you can’t think of another question or story right now but would be happy to just sit with them and be, still and quiet, just being, together?

    Do you know that feeling?

    Yeah, that.

    It’s pretty great.

    Vague Booking

    So I’m a tad late to post. Most of the reasons for that are awesome, although I also have been fighting a bout of writer’s block. I’m not ready to go into all the details, but suffice to say I have been busy with other things and that’s a great reason to be a teensy lax here. Without context or explanation, here are some things from the last couple weeks that have me smiling:

    • IRL socializing is not as terrifying as I feared
    • Spending time with friends, old and new, fills my spirit in the best way
    • Paying it forward, in ways large and small, to help a friend or a friend’s friend gives me hope
    • Being seen, especially when you think you are invisible in one or more dimensions, is both scary and uplifting
    • Getting a push out of your comfort zone can land you in an exciting place
    • Chatting via text and video is a fun way to make connections and feel less isolated
    • Compliments that feel genuine are an exciting new experience
    • Smart, kind, quirky, fun and lovely new people are the best!

    I’m smiling and looking forward to a lot of new experiences in the next few days and weeks. This is a great feeling. I hope you have something to smile about and look forward to, also. 😎

    Random Bits

    Been a week or so since I checked in. Thought I’d give a little update on some random things to keep the posting streak alive.

    1. I went to a charity event Friday night with some friends. The luxury cars and planes on display were cool. The food…not so much. But the hip taco place my friends and I hit up after was well worth it. I got to wear my suit and feel awesome in it, have a great time with cool people, and eat amazing guacamole and street tacos. That’s a Friday night that did not suck! 😎
    2. I’ve been having some deeply satisfying philosophical discussions with a variety of good friends lately. As is the way with philosophy, no hard answers have been achieved. It’s in the journey of the discussion where the value lies. What I appreciate most is the quality of the time and emotional labor my friends are investing in me and our relationships.
    3. Some of that deep thought has been spent on my job search. Still plotting my escape. It’s just going more slowly than I’d like. Certainly slower than the resurgence of the stress load. But, as I posted on my FB the other day, I’ve learned my lesson on speaking freely when invited: they don’t really mean that. So, heads down, coping smile in place, soldiering on. Anyone know where a hard working, smart and experienced commercial transactions attorney can find work where she’s appreciated?
    4. I live in a pretty comfortable small city, fairly clean and accommodating. But even here there seems to be a faction of people who can’t mind their own business and who feel a compulsion to police the use of public restroom facilities. I’m growing weary of having to clear the hurdle of old biddies who want to challenge my right to pee in the women’s room, especially when it’s a pressing need. Geez, yes! I know my bow tie is an unusual accessory choice for a woman, but it’s not a reason to make me nearly wet myself preventing me from getting to a toilet!
    5. Because I wanna be positive and end this list on a good note: I am riding the wave of good vibes picked up when spending the long Labor Day weekend with good friends. They hosted me in their home, nourished my body and spirit with tasty food and fellowship, laughing freely and connecting deeply. I’m so blessed to have such good people in my life!

    Friends, I hope the balance of good and annoying experiences in your life are tipping decidedly towards the good, positive side and that you find at least one good thing to celebrate today.

    Quick Check-in

    Nothing profound or exciting to report. Seems like these still, hot days at the end of summer are barren of creative content for me. But they’re not empty of busy work and responsibility at my job, which is keeping me hopping.

    Yet, I have written a couple of stories and am reading a couple of books in between work and sleep and keeping up with friends. Sleep is holding steady at “better, but not great”, which is still a vast improvement over “next to none” that I was experiencing.

    And this morning I had the joyous luxury of lying in bed in the still darkness for a half hour listening to the gentle rain on the leaves of my full-canopied pear trees. It was a great way to awaken.

    A bit bittersweet, too. We’re losing one of those glorious trees. It was damaged in a big storm last year and is slowly splitting itself in three parts, threatening both my roof and the house next door. The arborist comes today (or he might reschedule because of the rain) to remove it safely. I’m going to miss her. She’s a gorgeous, gnarled old thing, but has bloomed beautifully every year for the 17 years I’ve lived in this house.

    Good bye, old friend. You will be sorely missed.

    Cautiously Hopeful, or Hopelessly Optimistic?

    I’ve been trying to retain that relaxed, balanced, low-stress feeling I had during my vacation. I’ve been working hard to simply respond to the question asked or to the portion that is rightfully my responsibility, without taking on the jobs of others and without feeling guilty for not owning the problem. For the most part, I have been successful.

    Yesterday, I had a big meeting that I knew would be fraught with emotion and anxiety for my whole team. The COO of my company was set to meet with my entire global team to respond to their concerns and reactions to comments of his that my team felt unfairly targeted them and blamed them for the challenges the sales organization has had closing some deals. He was also going to speak to the upswing we’re seeing in disrespectful behavior and unreasonable workflow demands from the sales organization, especially since the COO’s disappointing public comments. Morale has suffered since his comments three weeks ago, and I asked him to engage with us in a dialogue and help strategize a way forward.

    We had our meeting. The COO was direct and kind, engaged and attentive. My team were receptive and listened and spoke respectfully and directly. And he did apologize for his poor choice of words and the hurtful impact they had on my team. Overall it was a positive experience and I’ve received mostly positive feedback from the rank and file employees. While I don’t expect that a single, 90-minute call will magically heal all wounds and solve all problems, it feels as if the tone is turning back to positive and constructive, from negative and morose.

    We left the meeting with a few areas of focus to collaborate with the sales organization and with a firm invitation to re-engage with the COO if the need arises.

    Today I had a brief re-cap with my senior leaders to gather their thoughts and any feedback from their teams. The sense seems to be that we had a little time to vent our collective spleen and have a whinge and received a sincere apology, but that we are going to have to soldier on in the face of uncertain horizon for achieving change. They did all acknowledge that the effort and engagement at the senior executive level has been a good step toward soothing the insult my team felt. But there’s a clear feeling of wait-and-see if any real improvement happens in the practical aspects of process discipline/improvement and sales rep behavior, while remaining mildly hopeful that the action plans discussed yesterday might bring relief.

    I’m struggling to decide if their cautiously optimistic response is a good foundation for my hopeful optimism, or if I’m fooling myself into seeing more than what’s really there because I’m still riding a wave of mellowness after my epic vacation.

    I never want to delude myself. But I also don’t want to sacrifice this new, lower-stress approach to work and go back to carrying the burden of everyone else’s problems. Yet, since the concern is the health and engagement of my team in the face of high stress, high demand, and high incidence of mistreatment, this is my burden to bear. At least it is to the point of seeking redress for them from the right leaders. But those who own the processes that are broken and those who are acting disrespectfully must carry the burden of implementing change. And since that’s not in my control, we’re all uncertain how and when that change will happen.

    So am I being stupid to be hopeful and allowing time and distance for things to work without my direct, hands-on management? Am I shirking my responsibility? Or is this what all that conventional wisdom about ‘setting a direction and letting the team steer the ship’ is all about?

    Honestly, I’m leaning toward the latter. I’ve done my bit by hearing and acknowledging their issues, raising it in frank discussion with senior executives, arranging for the dialogue, and agreeing on next steps. I feel like now the operational teams, mine and sales’, need to carry the ball from here. I’ve coached and trained and have confidence in my team. Letting go and giving them the freedom to implement is as much a vote of confidence as it is good management. So I shouldn’t feel guilty about the guide-and-release approach or for my lack of stress and anxiety from having let go of that burden.

    Right?

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