Archive for the ‘tired’ Tag

Back to the grind

I took almost an entire week off from work, successfully avoiding doing any work-related stuff other than answering a handful of urgent emails in the first day or so. That felt great! I desperately needed the break. And while I did a lot of cool activities, including writing, and spending some quality time with my SIL, and getting the suit fitting I posted about before, I also spent a good deal of time just resting. I deeply needed the rest and am proud to say I got three separate nights during that week when I got 6 or more hours of actual sleep. That’s a marked improvement over most weeks since the first part of August.

But now I’m back at work and have already, in just two days, worked more than 25 hours on the same ol’ litigation junk that I thought I had put to rest for at least a few weeks when I filed, just as I headed out the door for vacation, the motions we’d worked on for over a month. In reality, we got just over 24 hours to savor having made those motions before receiving the other side’s latest salvo. Now we’re back to preparing response briefs and doing so much of the work for outside counsel.

Honestly, I’m over this crud. Totally. If I never read another pleading – or prepare one – again, it’ll be too soon. And there’s really no end in sight. Add to that my boss’ constant interruptions (seriously, more than 2 dozen since he got back from lunch today alone) to grouse and rant and curse and complain – so that I have to stop trying to get through reading the pleadings, stop making my own notes, stop getting anything productive done to listen – and I’m right back to the stressed-out wreck I was before taking last week off. Including back to sleeping only about 4 hours or less each of the last two nights.

And because we have to get these responses filed next week, I have to cancel my business trip that I was supposed to do next week. It was going to be an opportunity to get together with some of my staff from other countries and participate in some critical executive planning sessions. But court deadlines trump. It’s just frustrating that my “day job”, the work I’m supposed to do as the leader of a functional business unit, has to take a backseat to what are truly specious claims by a bunch of money-grubbers trying to get a free payday.

Ah, well. I keep telling myself that at least I’m doing substantive lawyering, not rote grunt-work. That’s something, I guess.

On Exhaustion

From the random thoughts pile: If energy is neither created nor lost, but simply transformed from one state to another, what does it take to transform enough energy from the nebulous ‘other states’ to fuel a person through a full work week such that the entirety of the weekend isn’t lost to ‘battery recharging’?

Friends, I’m tired. Seems like I get enough sleep – about 6.5 to 7 hours each night. I certainly get enough to eat and it’s mostly good, nourishing, and prepared by the hands of others. I even get leisure time to read or watch tv from time to time. But at the end of every 55-60 (average) hour work week, all I seem to be able to do is sleep in and be lazy.

Of course, the knee-jerk response I get when musing on this aloud among friends or family, is: you’re getting old, just accept it.

I reject that premise. Age doesn’t scare me and I’m not ashamed of my age. I don’t feel old or world-weary. I feel tired, not old or past usefulness. Tired, as in if I sit still for too long I fall asleep, kind of tired. As in, I seem to yawn my head off constantly, kind of tired.

But I don’t have a physically demanding job to explain the exhaustion. I use my brain, not my back, as my grandmother used to exhort me to do. I just don’t understand how thinking and reasoning and arguing positions and negotiating outcomes, all in the comfort of a climate-controlled, well appointed office can induce such deep and lasting exhaustion.

Feels bad to be this tired and not be able to explain it. Especially when others close to me do work physically and for similarly long hours. I know, intellectually, that comparison of such disparate jobs is invalid. But I can’t help thinking that exhaustion from physical work is earned, whereas intellectual labor should be invigorating rather than draining.

I still love my job, though. It’s gratifying to achieve goals and help a good company grow. It’s a blessing for which I’m thankful. I just wish I understood why it makes me so tired.

Stamina + Health Critically Low

I feel like a video game character who has run too fast or lifted something too heavy. If you checked my status display you’d see an empty stamina wheel and a single blinking heart signaling a need for energy top-up. My screen image would be a drooping, panting, limp mess. 

In other words, I’m exhausted. 

My stupid brain kept me awake half the night with ridiculous stress dreams about work for no discernible reason. Yes, I had a 6am conference call, which is unusual, but it shouldn’t have raised the kind of stress found in these idiotic dreams. I’m amazed at the appalling ingenuity of my subconscious in creating images and scenarios that can snap me instantly awake with a pounding heart rate at 3am. Over nothing at all! It’s infuriating. 

Now I’m dragging so hard I don’t know what to think. I’m glad all my meetings were this morning, because my brain is M. I. A. right now and I’m afraid I’d seriously embarrass myself if I had to present or speak intelligently on anything at the moment. 

So, I may be calling it a day a little early today. Just in time to repeat it over another early call tomorrow. Joy. 

I hope you’re well rested and having a lovely day. I’m determined that I will too…eventually. 🙂

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