You say it’s your birthday…

Yep, I’m owning my 44 and lovin’ it! After all, getting older beats the heck out of the alternative.

I took today off from work, as is my custom. I slept a tiny bit later than normal and have spent a lazy morning getting ready for the day, in between reading blogs and messin’ around on Twitter. My plans for the weekend are mild and low-key, rather like myself. I’m not a big partier and will likely spend most of my time alone, barring a dinner date with my brother and his wife. But I did give myself a birthday gift last night.

For my 44th birthday I fully came out to myself. I referred to myself in online comments and chats variously as gay or butch, consciously & intentionally, for the first time. I know now, with no doubts, that I am both.

So, internally at least, I’ve taken the step up to authenticity. No hiding from myself anymore. That’s huge and awesome and scary and all the things at one time. It’s got me amped and saying things (anonymously on line) that I’ve never said before, doing things I’ve never done, thinking things that both thrill and terrify me.

I don’t know when or if I’ll take the same steps in my external life, come out to anyone I know in person. That’s so much more complicated. I’ve been kicking the thoughts around for a long time. I even asked some bloggers I respect for an opinion. My thoughts haven’t finished filtering, but I’m working on a post that’ll help bring some order to the chaos, if no concrete answers. The outside life is still a big messy question, then.

But the inside is lining up, for once. It feels good.

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